In just two days is the estimated day for a huge arrival. The biggest of my life.
Not my career. Not a new instrument.
But my first child. My son, Adam Zachary. He may get here earlier, may get here later. But it's his estimate.
I have many mixed emotions. The first is: I'M ABOUT TO PUSH A WATERMELON OUT OF MY WOMAN PARTS. That is pretty terrifying. I've heard many horror stories. No, I am not going to get an epidural. This is my reason: I don't want an IV or catheter, and I don't want a large needle being inserted in my back (and if they miss, you could have a headache or backache for weeks). I don't want to be tied to a bed on my back. Not knocking on anyone who has gotten it. I just don't want it. But I am scared to do it. Delivery is an unknown, and many women say it is the worst pain ever.
Second: I'm about to be responsible for a human. A human I have to raise and keep safe. I feel like I barely keep myself safe. Now I think about how big my cars are, how much food I have in the fridge (instead of how much I can live off of for a week with my husband and break a record), how much room my house has, safety of my house, items for his well being, parenting skills... the list goes on and on. And ON. I can't help but be filled with anxiety. Jonathan is the most level headed person I've met. He has no worry, and seems to have it together. I feel like my head is going to explode.
Third: I could go into active labor at ANY TIME. That doesn't help with my anxiety. I've been in early labor for days. Weak contractions that don't do a thing, little things here and there. My OB says wait until I can't talk through contractions, which actually happens! But they get weaker, and are eventually back to the annoyingly uncomfortable state. I would welcome a water break, because then I would know for sure that labor is starting. But that only happens in 10-15% of women. Most need their water broken for them.
Much of my day is cleaning, waiting, doctors appointments, walking, and trying not to be uncomfortable. I'm large enough I waddle, and what is crazy is knowing I'm carrying a 7-8lb kid in my abdomen. That is shocking.
I know this sounds crazy, but amidst this, I am pretty excited. I get to meet one of the most important people that will ever be in my life. I get to care for a child that is half me, half Jonathan and a whole new person. Our family is starting to grow, and that is pretty awesome.
I'd say this is the biggest change of all coming up.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Sexism: is it still prevelant in the USA?
This is a topic that has been beaten over heads of men and women everywhere. Chants of equal pay, equal opportunities, working woman have been echoed for decades now. The idea of how women were treated years ago, is now socially appalling.
Like this for example. It gives me a headache to look at this.
It was normal for men to be in charge, and for women to have a house as a domain. Then demands of the independent woman began cropping up and we started seeing the working woman.
This began an inspiring idea of the working woman!
And thus, social norms were changing. Women began to go to schools much more often and working became normal. There were still stretches and struggles, but overall, the woman life became much more equal to men.
Fast forward to now.
Stay at home dads are becoming much more common. A full time breadwinning wife and a full time worker is becoming much more common. You see men and women on near equal grounds. I can attest for that. As a working wife in the Marine Corps and a stay at home husband, it's normal and good for our relationship. He wants to be in charge of the home, wants to raise the kids, and wants to enjoy projects and not have a boss pressure the crap out of him. I want to work long hours, leave, come back, and I enjoy pressure from deadlines.
I've actually noticed that men are starting to have a hard time. With all the pressure to make women equal, now men are starting to decline. They are still expected to work full time and "provide" when they want to stay at home. They are pressured to be "tough" and only get what they're given, with now less opportunities than women. Or you see in media and television that men are incapable of raising children and can't handle simple menial tasks. It actually bothers me. My husband is the one staying at home with our future child, right? So we plan on formula feeding and he makes the decision on whether our son is circumcised and the sexual health of our child (because he has the parts and knows, I do not). While on convalescent leave, I'm going to mix breastfeeding and formula just so we can get some good antibodies and wean our kid to formula when I go back to work full time. We have a plan. And I've been told by people that I'm lazy and neglectful for letting my husband make these decisions, when I should be anti-circumcision and anti-formula. I'm pretty sure he's the stay at home parent with the male parts to make calls and he and I discussed these topics. So being told that he shouldn't have a say is offensive. It IS offensive and I always have to defend him. But WHY? Why should he have to defend himself when we have equal opportunity in our marriage?
This is happening to men everywhere. So much social pressure to be a certain way when the women culture gets a lot of opportunities. I'm not saying women in the WORLD are equal. Some women are killed in countries for being raped. Yes, because they're raped, they get killed. Because they drove the man to commit the act. Somehow. No, no, no. I'm talking in the United States. And yes, you can go on about the woman in the back country. Or the woman that still lives in an extreme conservative household. I'm talking about as a whole. I'm for equal opportunity, but I want it on both sides, not on just one side of the spectrum. If we continually make up for what has happened in the past, we can never look forward with a clear mind. And I believe that wholeheartedly. My husband has dropped everything to follow me and my career choice. I would do the same for him. It should be seen like that.
Now onto the point that has really been an unequal stance. Sexism in the military.
I work in the joint. I'm an active duty member of the Marine Corps. I went through bootcamp, went through Combat Training (for the non-combat MOS), and did my thing at MOS school. I'm now at my duty station. And yes, I am a bandsman (sue me, I love my job, and I love giving support to my fellow members and to civilians). I auditioned, and did my thing.
I never personally have shown any interest of being infantry, although if I were called to be deployed (yes they deploy bandsman in time of need), I wouldn't protest. It's what I've signed up for. Seeing opportunities for women to take place in a study to see if they could be in infantry has been a great thing for me to see. It's to see if they could change the MOS in the future to equal sexes versus just males. They didn't lower the standards for the females: they had to pass male PFTs to take part in the course. They had to keep up with the same loads. But only a few wanted to try and a few passed (it didn't even give them credentials, it was only a study). But the great part was, a group of women passed! Not just ones and twos! Great!
I was excited. Because I love equal opportunity for men and women. And this was a step!
Unfortunately, women in officer training course, wasn't so successful, but so few tried! Only 29 women tried. OUT OF 13580 active duty (and many weren't even eligible because they're enlisted)! That's .21% of the entire female population of the Marine Corps. It was a shame, and it closed out before any got to graduation day.
I was disappointed, but I didn't take it too seriously. I knew that there just needed to be a different time and more training on the woman's part before it could be done again.
But I started to notice something that REALLY bothered me. Men everywhere making comments about how weak women are. How women should've never left the kitchen. How women can't do anything anyway so why are they in the military. Some are trolling, because they're bored. But I realized that SOME MEN in the military actually think this way. They think women are a waste of space even after they do the same training. But then they make excuses why it's not the same, even as they're raising the bar for women in fitness tests. It's still not enough. I know plenty of women who ignored the female PFT standards and looked at the male PFT standards. They would get perfect female standards and say, "that's not the real standard. I want to get the 300 male PFT." And it's how I think! It's how we all should think, right? I want to get to that point. I want to be the best. I mean why not? But there is so many discouraging comments from the male side of the community. Sure, there are great men and supporters of us women. Some even think it's badass of us to work that hard. Woo! But it's still pretty skewed for some people in the military. They honestly see women as nurses and secretaries. It makes me wonder how I convinced myself that women aren't struggling anymore.
Honestly, I do think I'm in one of the few male dominated fields. 7% of the Marine Corps is women. Seven. Percent.
This is what 7% looks like. This is female population compared to male population in the Marines. Not a lot of people can grasp just how few this is. Army's is 15.7%. Navy is 18%. Air Force is 19%. Coast Guard is 15%. But the Marine Corps, even in it's smaller state still has smaller percentages. Many would say, "it's a man's job!" And it was....decades ago. Now, women are training with equal grounds and we still are a small amount of the Marines. I agree that there are mainly males in these fields. And many orders have been written to make things equal. Hell, the fact they were seeing how women would do in infantry courses made me happy! It means they're trying. It may not be time yet, to open up the MOS to women, but it's because we need more training. It is physically taxing on a woman, so they need to prep harder. You can't expect a 3rd class male to pass it, why is a woman any different? They need to be in pristine condition. I can't expect to get a 1st class without training. Same with a male.
The military is a different lifestyle. A lot less grey, a lot more black and white. It's straight to the point. I love it. It's in my personality. I'm full of grey, but I like how decisions are made.
I was just saddened to see this. I just hope it progresses. Equal opportunity.
I only realized there is still more work to be done. For men on the civilian side and for women on the military side. I don't want standards lowered and women to be babied. Just like I don't expect all men to stop working and ignore their careers or their desires.
All I want is equal opportunity for all without the oppression to our decisions. Stop making gender role labels. Stop seeing women as weaker and men as dumber. I'm tired of it. I'm ready for real progress in the gender roles when we don't have to think twice about it anymore. It's going to take some work, but I'm ready to jump in and make this world a better place by doing what I do best.
Working, supporting my husband in what he wants, and doing what's best for my family, my wellbeing, and his. If that means I'm an active duty Marine and he's a stay at home dad, then we are killing it! I just hope people can learn from example and someday it will truly be equal.
It was normal for men to be in charge, and for women to have a house as a domain. Then demands of the independent woman began cropping up and we started seeing the working woman.
And thus, social norms were changing. Women began to go to schools much more often and working became normal. There were still stretches and struggles, but overall, the woman life became much more equal to men.
Fast forward to now.
Stay at home dads are becoming much more common. A full time breadwinning wife and a full time worker is becoming much more common. You see men and women on near equal grounds. I can attest for that. As a working wife in the Marine Corps and a stay at home husband, it's normal and good for our relationship. He wants to be in charge of the home, wants to raise the kids, and wants to enjoy projects and not have a boss pressure the crap out of him. I want to work long hours, leave, come back, and I enjoy pressure from deadlines.
Look at that! It's happening more!
This is happening to men everywhere. So much social pressure to be a certain way when the women culture gets a lot of opportunities. I'm not saying women in the WORLD are equal. Some women are killed in countries for being raped. Yes, because they're raped, they get killed. Because they drove the man to commit the act. Somehow. No, no, no. I'm talking in the United States. And yes, you can go on about the woman in the back country. Or the woman that still lives in an extreme conservative household. I'm talking about as a whole. I'm for equal opportunity, but I want it on both sides, not on just one side of the spectrum. If we continually make up for what has happened in the past, we can never look forward with a clear mind. And I believe that wholeheartedly. My husband has dropped everything to follow me and my career choice. I would do the same for him. It should be seen like that.
Now onto the point that has really been an unequal stance. Sexism in the military.
I work in the joint. I'm an active duty member of the Marine Corps. I went through bootcamp, went through Combat Training (for the non-combat MOS), and did my thing at MOS school. I'm now at my duty station. And yes, I am a bandsman (sue me, I love my job, and I love giving support to my fellow members and to civilians). I auditioned, and did my thing.
I know people in the picture. Oh, and I'm in this band. Just not in the picture or in this performance. Because I wasn't in that band yet.
I never personally have shown any interest of being infantry, although if I were called to be deployed (yes they deploy bandsman in time of need), I wouldn't protest. It's what I've signed up for. Seeing opportunities for women to take place in a study to see if they could be in infantry has been a great thing for me to see. It's to see if they could change the MOS in the future to equal sexes versus just males. They didn't lower the standards for the females: they had to pass male PFTs to take part in the course. They had to keep up with the same loads. But only a few wanted to try and a few passed (it didn't even give them credentials, it was only a study). But the great part was, a group of women passed! Not just ones and twos! Great!
I was excited. Because I love equal opportunity for men and women. And this was a step!
Unfortunately, women in officer training course, wasn't so successful, but so few tried! Only 29 women tried. OUT OF 13580 active duty (and many weren't even eligible because they're enlisted)! That's .21% of the entire female population of the Marine Corps. It was a shame, and it closed out before any got to graduation day.
I was disappointed, but I didn't take it too seriously. I knew that there just needed to be a different time and more training on the woman's part before it could be done again.
But I started to notice something that REALLY bothered me. Men everywhere making comments about how weak women are. How women should've never left the kitchen. How women can't do anything anyway so why are they in the military. Some are trolling, because they're bored. But I realized that SOME MEN in the military actually think this way. They think women are a waste of space even after they do the same training. But then they make excuses why it's not the same, even as they're raising the bar for women in fitness tests. It's still not enough. I know plenty of women who ignored the female PFT standards and looked at the male PFT standards. They would get perfect female standards and say, "that's not the real standard. I want to get the 300 male PFT." And it's how I think! It's how we all should think, right? I want to get to that point. I want to be the best. I mean why not? But there is so many discouraging comments from the male side of the community. Sure, there are great men and supporters of us women. Some even think it's badass of us to work that hard. Woo! But it's still pretty skewed for some people in the military. They honestly see women as nurses and secretaries. It makes me wonder how I convinced myself that women aren't struggling anymore.
Honestly, I do think I'm in one of the few male dominated fields. 7% of the Marine Corps is women. Seven. Percent.
The military is a different lifestyle. A lot less grey, a lot more black and white. It's straight to the point. I love it. It's in my personality. I'm full of grey, but I like how decisions are made.
I was just saddened to see this. I just hope it progresses. Equal opportunity.
I only realized there is still more work to be done. For men on the civilian side and for women on the military side. I don't want standards lowered and women to be babied. Just like I don't expect all men to stop working and ignore their careers or their desires.
All I want is equal opportunity for all without the oppression to our decisions. Stop making gender role labels. Stop seeing women as weaker and men as dumber. I'm tired of it. I'm ready for real progress in the gender roles when we don't have to think twice about it anymore. It's going to take some work, but I'm ready to jump in and make this world a better place by doing what I do best.
Working, supporting my husband in what he wants, and doing what's best for my family, my wellbeing, and his. If that means I'm an active duty Marine and he's a stay at home dad, then we are killing it! I just hope people can learn from example and someday it will truly be equal.
This is a picture of my handsome husband I and I almost a year ago. Aren't we cute?? :)
Sunday, November 30, 2014
New Blessings and Exciting Changes
It has been almost a year since I've updated this blog. Surprising I still remembered that it exists.
If you have followed my blog in the past you probably remember when I apologized to the masses. I still stick by that. Now, I am about to move up to Stafford, Virginia, for my permanent duty station in Quantico, Virginia. My apartment is bigger, with two bathrooms, a bedroom, a study, and it is beautiful. My cat is tagging along, of course. Because we don't have a lot of stuff, we're moving ourselves with a trailer. It's not that expensive, we looked through our options.
I have finally finished my training. Three months of boot camp, one month of combat training, six and a half months of MOS school at the naval school of music, with 9 days of leave smashed in there. In one month I will have been enlisted for one year! That's a bit crazy. I'm just so excited to start my real job as a musician. I have a lot of work to do, though. I have to memorize a lot of music and get myself into high gear. But I know if I put the job first and work my butt off, I can do this.
Just as a reminder, Jonathan and I got married during my boot leave because we knew it was the right timing, and because of it, he was able to live with me while I was at school. He is such a blessing.
Another very pleasant surprise (it wasn't pleasant at first), was when I found out that I was pregnant. I'm at 8w5d, almost 9 weeks pregnant. The baby is almost the size of an olive. I'm so excited, but so terrified at mother hood. I don't feel like I'm mentally old enough. But I'm sure I will do okay (hopefully). So far, I'm nauseous at random smells (pickles, cigarettes), I crave chocolate pretzels, I and extremely bloated, and it's starting to show (I'm at the unfortunate stage of where I just look kinda chubby, not pregnant), and I'm SO tired. Very tired. Like I nap at random kind of tired. I have a doctor's appointment for the 10-11 week mark, and I'm excited to see the little heart beat and how he/she's doing (I think it's a boy, but it annoys Jonathan, so I don't say anything :P). So far, it has been a huge surprise, and my mother is excited about being grandma.
Right now, though, I'm preparing to do my job in the Marine Corps, until my body doesn't allow. I'm not really suppose to run anymore, so I'm going to be doing a lot of power walking, because I want to get back in the game strong. But I want to be the best clarinet player. I want to be the strongest female. I want to be a light in my future platoon. My dream has just started, and the baby isn't a deterrent, it's just another member joining us for the ride.
This is what has been going on! What a productive year!
If you have followed my blog in the past you probably remember when I apologized to the masses. I still stick by that. Now, I am about to move up to Stafford, Virginia, for my permanent duty station in Quantico, Virginia. My apartment is bigger, with two bathrooms, a bedroom, a study, and it is beautiful. My cat is tagging along, of course. Because we don't have a lot of stuff, we're moving ourselves with a trailer. It's not that expensive, we looked through our options.
I have finally finished my training. Three months of boot camp, one month of combat training, six and a half months of MOS school at the naval school of music, with 9 days of leave smashed in there. In one month I will have been enlisted for one year! That's a bit crazy. I'm just so excited to start my real job as a musician. I have a lot of work to do, though. I have to memorize a lot of music and get myself into high gear. But I know if I put the job first and work my butt off, I can do this.
Just as a reminder, Jonathan and I got married during my boot leave because we knew it was the right timing, and because of it, he was able to live with me while I was at school. He is such a blessing.
Another very pleasant surprise (it wasn't pleasant at first), was when I found out that I was pregnant. I'm at 8w5d, almost 9 weeks pregnant. The baby is almost the size of an olive. I'm so excited, but so terrified at mother hood. I don't feel like I'm mentally old enough. But I'm sure I will do okay (hopefully). So far, I'm nauseous at random smells (pickles, cigarettes), I crave chocolate pretzels, I and extremely bloated, and it's starting to show (I'm at the unfortunate stage of where I just look kinda chubby, not pregnant), and I'm SO tired. Very tired. Like I nap at random kind of tired. I have a doctor's appointment for the 10-11 week mark, and I'm excited to see the little heart beat and how he/she's doing (I think it's a boy, but it annoys Jonathan, so I don't say anything :P). So far, it has been a huge surprise, and my mother is excited about being grandma.
Right now, though, I'm preparing to do my job in the Marine Corps, until my body doesn't allow. I'm not really suppose to run anymore, so I'm going to be doing a lot of power walking, because I want to get back in the game strong. But I want to be the best clarinet player. I want to be the strongest female. I want to be a light in my future platoon. My dream has just started, and the baby isn't a deterrent, it's just another member joining us for the ride.
This is what has been going on! What a productive year!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A price to pay from the younger years.
I've had a lot of alone time lately.
This isn't bad! Not at all: I'm just preparing for boot camp and mentally gaining my ground. You see, I'm now temporarily unemployed until I leave. I chose to quit a month in advanced.
Now, I leave in 18 days: 2 1/2 weeks. It beats down on me like the summer sun. I'm excited, yet frightened. I workout 3 times a day to prepare myself for it, to bring myself down to ship weight (I'm always on that pesky line of being "overweight"--I'm only 4lbs off from ship weight). I eat well and I'm careful about carb and sugar intake. I watch the excessive fatty food.
One thing that has really been smacking me in the face is people (figuratively, of course).
What happened with that one friend? Or why did I stop talking to that one person? Why did we suddenly stop connecting? Was it a past thing? I was pretty crazy in my late high school, early college years. Did people think I would never change? What had I said?
What's worse is that I don't really remember much from my freshman or sophomore year from college except Jason (we walked on the track every morning for months and played games), and I still have a lot of spotty memories.
AND that's what hit me: I was so focused on myself in the past that now, the me who wants to know everyone, is missing out. Now that I'm leaving the state, I will no longer have the opportunity to go to the movies, to go out to eat with that person, or to talk about random crap. The me who could care less about others' emotions and only about myself has ruined it for the me now.
I want so badly to see all these people I no longer talk to. A few I have reached out to, only one message has returned to me, and she lives in a completely different state. I can understand why people find me to be too much. Or that they're better off without, as I wouldn't be friends with my past self, either. But I just want so badly to make amends or to just at least see what is going on with them. To give a hug. I may no longer see these people again, and I may have ruined this, but one chance to clear the air and to see them smile again.
Now that I'm leaving and don't have time to distract myself, I will say this on the behalf of my past self and the fact I can't even remember what I eat for breakfast (because my memory is that bad).
I am so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that I made up that rumor or that I lied. I'm sorry that I said I didn't care. I'm sorry that I ignored you. I'm sorry that I implied hurtful emotions. I'm sorry that I gave you a cruel look. I'm sorry for cursing at you.
I mean all of this. I never meant to hurt anyone, I just don't think I was thinking before. Now that I have time to think too much, this has been bubbling to the surface. Overall, I'm sorry I don't remember the one time the thing I said, because I really don't remember anything and grudges aren't my specialty for good reason: I never remember specific events.
I hate seeing pain or betrayal.
I will leave it at that. I want to see all of you before I leave. Have a cup of coffee. Talk about what you've been doing, what you plan. I want to hug you and keep you in my heart.
Hope to hear from you all soon.
This isn't bad! Not at all: I'm just preparing for boot camp and mentally gaining my ground. You see, I'm now temporarily unemployed until I leave. I chose to quit a month in advanced.
Now, I leave in 18 days: 2 1/2 weeks. It beats down on me like the summer sun. I'm excited, yet frightened. I workout 3 times a day to prepare myself for it, to bring myself down to ship weight (I'm always on that pesky line of being "overweight"--I'm only 4lbs off from ship weight). I eat well and I'm careful about carb and sugar intake. I watch the excessive fatty food.
One thing that has really been smacking me in the face is people (figuratively, of course).
What happened with that one friend? Or why did I stop talking to that one person? Why did we suddenly stop connecting? Was it a past thing? I was pretty crazy in my late high school, early college years. Did people think I would never change? What had I said?
What's worse is that I don't really remember much from my freshman or sophomore year from college except Jason (we walked on the track every morning for months and played games), and I still have a lot of spotty memories.
AND that's what hit me: I was so focused on myself in the past that now, the me who wants to know everyone, is missing out. Now that I'm leaving the state, I will no longer have the opportunity to go to the movies, to go out to eat with that person, or to talk about random crap. The me who could care less about others' emotions and only about myself has ruined it for the me now.
I want so badly to see all these people I no longer talk to. A few I have reached out to, only one message has returned to me, and she lives in a completely different state. I can understand why people find me to be too much. Or that they're better off without, as I wouldn't be friends with my past self, either. But I just want so badly to make amends or to just at least see what is going on with them. To give a hug. I may no longer see these people again, and I may have ruined this, but one chance to clear the air and to see them smile again.
Now that I'm leaving and don't have time to distract myself, I will say this on the behalf of my past self and the fact I can't even remember what I eat for breakfast (because my memory is that bad).
I am so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that I made up that rumor or that I lied. I'm sorry that I said I didn't care. I'm sorry that I ignored you. I'm sorry that I implied hurtful emotions. I'm sorry that I gave you a cruel look. I'm sorry for cursing at you.
I mean all of this. I never meant to hurt anyone, I just don't think I was thinking before. Now that I have time to think too much, this has been bubbling to the surface. Overall, I'm sorry I don't remember the one time the thing I said, because I really don't remember anything and grudges aren't my specialty for good reason: I never remember specific events.
I hate seeing pain or betrayal.
I will leave it at that. I want to see all of you before I leave. Have a cup of coffee. Talk about what you've been doing, what you plan. I want to hug you and keep you in my heart.
Hope to hear from you all soon.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Wedding things!
There is something that I haven't really talked about that I'm really really excited about. Mostly because I have been so wrapped up in my career and leaving that my woman instincts have been turned off.
Today, though, I went to a bridal store with my future sister-in-law, Samantha. She is much more of a womanly person and she's also my main planner and sharing the role of maid of honor with my best friend, Jason (who is actually the 'man of honor').
I had never really thought of what kind of dress I enjoyed, until I tried one on. If you see my facebook page and my "secret album" (the one Jonathan can't see), you can see the dress that I fell in love with. It is so beautiful.
Another thing I decided is to have it at the Portland World Trade Center.
Today, though, I went to a bridal store with my future sister-in-law, Samantha. She is much more of a womanly person and she's also my main planner and sharing the role of maid of honor with my best friend, Jason (who is actually the 'man of honor').
I had never really thought of what kind of dress I enjoyed, until I tried one on. If you see my facebook page and my "secret album" (the one Jonathan can't see), you can see the dress that I fell in love with. It is so beautiful.
Another thing I decided is to have it at the Portland World Trade Center.
This is where the ceremony would take place.
This is where the reception would be held.
I really love how it looks. It's so me and Jonathan. We love the environment and the beauty. And the prices are very good for a venue, and it includes catering.
This weekend, we are going back to David's bridal to see other deals on bridesmaid dresses and find a cheaper look alike for the dress. Then, we're going to the Men's Warehouse to find Jonathan's and the groomsman's tuxes. I'm so excited, and Jonathan is smiling more, which is showing more excitement on his end.
We have other ideas on items like cakes:
The first cake is our number one choice, but the second is something we like, too.
And the floral arrangements:
These are still in debate.
But I'm so excited! I will update more when more happens! :D
Saturday, November 16, 2013
I'm so ready to start my life.
I'm at that point.
You know. That point.
As many of the people I talk to/follow me on social networking, I leave pretty soon. Fifty-two days, in fact.
As my career and new life begin to approach me, the time seems to slow down. And I'm noticing something about my life now: I'm starting to look back on my high school and college years and a lot of emotions come rushing through. Confusion, shame, guilt, frustration, and straight anger.
I thought to myself and wondered why these could be? I didn't want to look back and only forced myself to think forward.
One thing that made me realize why I had so much guilt was because I was extremely selfish and lonely. I wanted people to notice me. But I wouldn't try hard for a friendship. Out of all honesty, I was burned a lot as a child. But my thoughts were "if they love me, they will reach out to me." When they did, I did, but I never tried on my own. Especially in college. I was so angry. So so angry.
I was angry that I wasn't good enough in my standard. I was angry that I was never part of the "crowd." I was angry that I never lived up to expectations. I was angry that I didn't go out with people to movies. I was angry that I was not exceptional but okay to good. I was angry that people found me to be annoying. I annoyed myself, but no one really knew that the anger stemmed from the loneliness and fear. And yet, whenever I tried to say anything to anyone, trying to let people know how I felt, I was shut down often. Told to get over it or that I could think about it later. I was often dropped when people found me to be emotionally more work than just a shallow conversation. And I'm sure that there were many busy people, but it was sad. Being told that Jesus loves me with a pat on the head is not really a way to make anyone feel better. I needed a form of love, and the lack of it created walls in my mind.
The reason why I majored in music was for me. I love band with everything I have. Since I was eleven, it was everything. But I was lazy in my mind. People said I worked hard, and I felt the opposite. I should have majored in only performance, but people told me to "be realistic" about my abilities. This made me angry, too. The anger turned to eating. I ate candy and junk consistently. See, my stomach would ache severely when I ate sugar because I'm insulin resistant. I would purposefully eat sugar so I didn't have to eat normal food and I would starve and binge. Of course, I would never lose weight. I gained. Now, I look back, and I realize I most likely had an eating disorder. My paranoia began to rise, and the few people I trusted and wanted to be around were "too busy" to put stock in me, but found times to go out and spend time with others. The pain of rejection flowed and by senior year, my experience at George Fox turned for the worst. My instructor told me I was B- average in performance and kept telling me I would have to "work harder" to be a performer. She consistently implied that I wasn't going to make it. Depression overcame me, and I just wanted most of it to end. On top of that, my relationship was rocky. My instrument became my only friend. But even then, it mocked me and I felt like I could hear my instructor telling me how weak of a player I was. But the only thing I could look forward to was band. Rehearsing. Even though the people in the group may have had better friends and found me to be annoying, and even crazy, I felt like through the music I had an unspoken bond.
When I played music, the paranoia, worry, sadness, depression and exhaustion melted away. The anger at my peers dissipated and I could only feel music. It's how I knew it was to be my career. I was looking for a way to play professional without having people give me that look and tell me "good luck." And don't get me wrong, I'm sure people had faith in me. But I often got that look.
Around November of last year, I talked to a Marine about the band. I heard from director and something nudged me to think about joining the military band. My director gave me a card and let me know that a Marine had passed through. I called and got some questions out of the way. At that point, I visited the recruiting station in Beaverton a few times and eventually set up with an audition set for January. A part of me felt like I would fail this. I felt like I was set up for failure. But it was a professional chance. I practiced, went to my audition, and passed. I was so excited. Finally, my first lead. My first chance. Many were excited for me, but I could sense some disdain in a few. My instructor seemed to have the idea I was sliding by on "dumb luck." Then came the next goal: losing 40lbs. With my eating disorder and pain, I was worried. But I started to work. And I realized that teaching, was maybe in the late future, and performing was now. I got my degree and continued to lose weight.
Around July, I switched recruiting stations, because I needed a change and I was ready for it. I worked harder, and lost all my weight by August. I enlisted into the Marines in September and was given a date for boot: January 6th.
Thinking about that, I'm excited. But I keep thinking back to high school and college and wonder, "why am I still upset and afraid?"
And then I realized that I was afraid of what people were thinking about me still. I found out that people would not talk to me because they were "warned" that I was moody and unpredictable. I didn't even realize it (I have a face that looks permanently pissed...not sure why...). A couple of people who still went to get to know me anyway said that they couldn't believe people would think this way.
I think what people saw in the moodiness was my sadness, anger and loneliness, not toward other people, but by the disappointment in myself. I still don't like to think back to college. High school isn't as bad (but it's probably because it's been over four years now). By the end of college, I didn't care. There were a couple of people I cared about, but I was angrier than ever. I just hated. Anger. I felt like my leaving was just a relief to people.
I just want to lead a life where I don't feel pissed off or guilty anymore. Where I can just be me and not have to worry about laziness or someone telling me that I'm not good enough.
So far, since I decided for the Marines, I have had nothing but encouragement and people who have pushed me. I can pursue my music career like I dreamed. I have developed great relationships with recruits and I feel close to my poolee family.
But I have to wait a little longer, and I'm sure it will do me some good. Patience has not been a virtue of mine. I should probably develop it. And this is not a directed at any single people I have associated with in the past.
I just felt like getting this down and letting people know what was in my head is healthy and a way to move on from this burden sitting on my shoulders. I love many, and often I cry for those in pain. But I wanted some of you to know what was going on in college and why I hid from a lot of you. It was all internal, and I had no rage toward any individuals.
For those of you who were there, thank you. You were the reason why I continued to trudge.
I'm ready to start my new life, and I hope to write most of you.
You know. That point.
As many of the people I talk to/follow me on social networking, I leave pretty soon. Fifty-two days, in fact.
As my career and new life begin to approach me, the time seems to slow down. And I'm noticing something about my life now: I'm starting to look back on my high school and college years and a lot of emotions come rushing through. Confusion, shame, guilt, frustration, and straight anger.
I thought to myself and wondered why these could be? I didn't want to look back and only forced myself to think forward.
One thing that made me realize why I had so much guilt was because I was extremely selfish and lonely. I wanted people to notice me. But I wouldn't try hard for a friendship. Out of all honesty, I was burned a lot as a child. But my thoughts were "if they love me, they will reach out to me." When they did, I did, but I never tried on my own. Especially in college. I was so angry. So so angry.
I was angry that I wasn't good enough in my standard. I was angry that I was never part of the "crowd." I was angry that I never lived up to expectations. I was angry that I didn't go out with people to movies. I was angry that I was not exceptional but okay to good. I was angry that people found me to be annoying. I annoyed myself, but no one really knew that the anger stemmed from the loneliness and fear. And yet, whenever I tried to say anything to anyone, trying to let people know how I felt, I was shut down often. Told to get over it or that I could think about it later. I was often dropped when people found me to be emotionally more work than just a shallow conversation. And I'm sure that there were many busy people, but it was sad. Being told that Jesus loves me with a pat on the head is not really a way to make anyone feel better. I needed a form of love, and the lack of it created walls in my mind.
The reason why I majored in music was for me. I love band with everything I have. Since I was eleven, it was everything. But I was lazy in my mind. People said I worked hard, and I felt the opposite. I should have majored in only performance, but people told me to "be realistic" about my abilities. This made me angry, too. The anger turned to eating. I ate candy and junk consistently. See, my stomach would ache severely when I ate sugar because I'm insulin resistant. I would purposefully eat sugar so I didn't have to eat normal food and I would starve and binge. Of course, I would never lose weight. I gained. Now, I look back, and I realize I most likely had an eating disorder. My paranoia began to rise, and the few people I trusted and wanted to be around were "too busy" to put stock in me, but found times to go out and spend time with others. The pain of rejection flowed and by senior year, my experience at George Fox turned for the worst. My instructor told me I was B- average in performance and kept telling me I would have to "work harder" to be a performer. She consistently implied that I wasn't going to make it. Depression overcame me, and I just wanted most of it to end. On top of that, my relationship was rocky. My instrument became my only friend. But even then, it mocked me and I felt like I could hear my instructor telling me how weak of a player I was. But the only thing I could look forward to was band. Rehearsing. Even though the people in the group may have had better friends and found me to be annoying, and even crazy, I felt like through the music I had an unspoken bond.
When I played music, the paranoia, worry, sadness, depression and exhaustion melted away. The anger at my peers dissipated and I could only feel music. It's how I knew it was to be my career. I was looking for a way to play professional without having people give me that look and tell me "good luck." And don't get me wrong, I'm sure people had faith in me. But I often got that look.
Around November of last year, I talked to a Marine about the band. I heard from director and something nudged me to think about joining the military band. My director gave me a card and let me know that a Marine had passed through. I called and got some questions out of the way. At that point, I visited the recruiting station in Beaverton a few times and eventually set up with an audition set for January. A part of me felt like I would fail this. I felt like I was set up for failure. But it was a professional chance. I practiced, went to my audition, and passed. I was so excited. Finally, my first lead. My first chance. Many were excited for me, but I could sense some disdain in a few. My instructor seemed to have the idea I was sliding by on "dumb luck." Then came the next goal: losing 40lbs. With my eating disorder and pain, I was worried. But I started to work. And I realized that teaching, was maybe in the late future, and performing was now. I got my degree and continued to lose weight.
Around July, I switched recruiting stations, because I needed a change and I was ready for it. I worked harder, and lost all my weight by August. I enlisted into the Marines in September and was given a date for boot: January 6th.
Thinking about that, I'm excited. But I keep thinking back to high school and college and wonder, "why am I still upset and afraid?"
And then I realized that I was afraid of what people were thinking about me still. I found out that people would not talk to me because they were "warned" that I was moody and unpredictable. I didn't even realize it (I have a face that looks permanently pissed...not sure why...). A couple of people who still went to get to know me anyway said that they couldn't believe people would think this way.
I think what people saw in the moodiness was my sadness, anger and loneliness, not toward other people, but by the disappointment in myself. I still don't like to think back to college. High school isn't as bad (but it's probably because it's been over four years now). By the end of college, I didn't care. There were a couple of people I cared about, but I was angrier than ever. I just hated. Anger. I felt like my leaving was just a relief to people.
I just want to lead a life where I don't feel pissed off or guilty anymore. Where I can just be me and not have to worry about laziness or someone telling me that I'm not good enough.
So far, since I decided for the Marines, I have had nothing but encouragement and people who have pushed me. I can pursue my music career like I dreamed. I have developed great relationships with recruits and I feel close to my poolee family.
But I have to wait a little longer, and I'm sure it will do me some good. Patience has not been a virtue of mine. I should probably develop it. And this is not a directed at any single people I have associated with in the past.
I just felt like getting this down and letting people know what was in my head is healthy and a way to move on from this burden sitting on my shoulders. I love many, and often I cry for those in pain. But I wanted some of you to know what was going on in college and why I hid from a lot of you. It was all internal, and I had no rage toward any individuals.
For those of you who were there, thank you. You were the reason why I continued to trudge.
I'm ready to start my new life, and I hope to write most of you.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Proposal and engagement: a beautiful outcome.
So, I understand that this is one side of the blog I have stopped updating as much, mostly cause I haven't had much push to update. A lot of my changes have been outward, and much of time, I take my inward changes for granted.
The last year and a half has been nothing but change. I finished college, I have signed up for the Marine Corps for music. I have lost a bunch of weight and gained my health back. And on top of this, I was in a relationship with Jonathan Casey.
Jonathan came into my life partway through my junior year of college. I never knew I would have committed to him. I really thought it wouldn't last. I was planning on breaking up partway through, but there was something about him that I could place my finger on. I really found him intriguing. About a month in, he told me he loved me. I was alarmed, because I was pretty sure he was just experiencing infatuation. But there was something in his eye that told me that he really loved me. As months passed, I started to feel like I had known him in the past. I felt like I had known him before. For many lives before. And we began to grow even closer. At that point, I was very busy with finishing school and deciding what to do with my life. He had gone through a lot of depression and rough times. I was extremely busy with my life. But I stayed there because I wanted him to be with me and I figured that I could be there just a little longer. But I realized that my love for him was deeper than I thought. And I really figured that I wanted to be married to him.
I'm going to fast forward to, well, yesterday.
Jonathan was strangely nervous and wanted to get me out of the house on time. He was ready to get me out. He told me we were going to the store. I got into the car, and he calmly says, "we're not going to the store, we're going downtown." I'm thinking ooooooo, adventure! But he drives us to downtown Portland and parks right next to Keller fountain. We pay for parking, and he proceeds to pull a basket out of the back and tells me we're going to have a picnic next to the fountain. It was a cloudy day, but I could tell that it was beautiful, even with the gray overcast.
He then looked me in the eye and smiles, as we find a spot next to the falls at the top. He proceeds to take out a bunch of food can eat like greek yogurt, sugar free candy, cheese and veggies. He, of course, being Jonathan, pulled out M&Ms cause he couldn't help himself.
We eat for a few minutes, and he tells me he wants to go at the bottom of the fountain. I agree and we walk around. Little did I know, his sister and aunt were going to sneak around to help him with a couple of things, and I almost found them. But Jonathan, knowing my affinity for cats and kittens, happened to point out a kitten on a woman's shoulder. It was perfect timing. I started talking about my cat. Yes, I am secretly a crazy cat lady.
So we get to the bottom of the fountain and he wants to take me behind a fall. It was cold, but so beautiful. Jonathan found I was shaking from the temperature drop, so he hugged me and proceeded to tell me how much he loved me after he kissed me. I noticed he was nervous, but I thought it was because of the fountain. He really loved that freaking fountain. He talked about swimming in it all the time. After a few minutes of looking around and him taking a phone call from his roommate (I told him to answer, because I found their interaction hilarious). He grabbed my hand and led me out from behind the fall.
And that was when I spotted a giant heart shape in the center of the bottom of the fountain, made of pink rose pedals. I looked at Jonathan, trying to rack my brain, trying to figure out if that was there before. I do have terrible memory. "That wasn't there before was it?" And Jonathan avoids eye contact, as he does when he's nervous and says "nope." So he says to me, "I have something to tell you."
He pulls me next to the giant heart and places me upward, so he's a couple inches shorter than me. He pulls out a letter and reads from it. It was basically telling me why he loved me so much and everything he loved about me. About second line in, he began to cry. I could see him try to make eye contact, but he couldn't really speak. He was getting choked up already. Hearing his beautiful words, and watching him, I begin to cry. And it was right when he finishes, he gets down on one knee, pulls out a ring and asks, "Michelle Gabrielle Kingsbury, will you marry me?"
I nearly choke on my tongue, tears coating my eyes and I grab him. Well, more like hug-glomp. And I feel him sobbing. I tell him in his ear, "of course I'll marry you." All I can remember from then on is kissing and hugging this man who had just asked the question. This wonderful man, that I felt so connected to. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. His sister, Briele, and aunt Sarah had set up the rose pedals and recorded the whole thing. They had been so excited, and were sneaky about everything. They took pictures and recorded. We even had our own little audience at the top of the fountain. Even had a woman who was apparently gaping, and holding her mouth. It was so sweet, intimate, and yet, so beautiful. It was perfect.
And that's how Jonathan Casey proposed to me.
Now, we're planning a wedding, and fast. I will be in boot camp in a month time. I will have three months of that, six months of training. So we will be able to save up. Jonathan's sister, Samantha is a crazy good planner, and we're working on it now.
We're both so excited.
The last year and a half has been nothing but change. I finished college, I have signed up for the Marine Corps for music. I have lost a bunch of weight and gained my health back. And on top of this, I was in a relationship with Jonathan Casey.
Jonathan came into my life partway through my junior year of college. I never knew I would have committed to him. I really thought it wouldn't last. I was planning on breaking up partway through, but there was something about him that I could place my finger on. I really found him intriguing. About a month in, he told me he loved me. I was alarmed, because I was pretty sure he was just experiencing infatuation. But there was something in his eye that told me that he really loved me. As months passed, I started to feel like I had known him in the past. I felt like I had known him before. For many lives before. And we began to grow even closer. At that point, I was very busy with finishing school and deciding what to do with my life. He had gone through a lot of depression and rough times. I was extremely busy with my life. But I stayed there because I wanted him to be with me and I figured that I could be there just a little longer. But I realized that my love for him was deeper than I thought. And I really figured that I wanted to be married to him.
I'm going to fast forward to, well, yesterday.
Jonathan was strangely nervous and wanted to get me out of the house on time. He was ready to get me out. He told me we were going to the store. I got into the car, and he calmly says, "we're not going to the store, we're going downtown." I'm thinking ooooooo, adventure! But he drives us to downtown Portland and parks right next to Keller fountain. We pay for parking, and he proceeds to pull a basket out of the back and tells me we're going to have a picnic next to the fountain. It was a cloudy day, but I could tell that it was beautiful, even with the gray overcast.
He then looked me in the eye and smiles, as we find a spot next to the falls at the top. He proceeds to take out a bunch of food can eat like greek yogurt, sugar free candy, cheese and veggies. He, of course, being Jonathan, pulled out M&Ms cause he couldn't help himself.
We eat for a few minutes, and he tells me he wants to go at the bottom of the fountain. I agree and we walk around. Little did I know, his sister and aunt were going to sneak around to help him with a couple of things, and I almost found them. But Jonathan, knowing my affinity for cats and kittens, happened to point out a kitten on a woman's shoulder. It was perfect timing. I started talking about my cat. Yes, I am secretly a crazy cat lady.
So we get to the bottom of the fountain and he wants to take me behind a fall. It was cold, but so beautiful. Jonathan found I was shaking from the temperature drop, so he hugged me and proceeded to tell me how much he loved me after he kissed me. I noticed he was nervous, but I thought it was because of the fountain. He really loved that freaking fountain. He talked about swimming in it all the time. After a few minutes of looking around and him taking a phone call from his roommate (I told him to answer, because I found their interaction hilarious). He grabbed my hand and led me out from behind the fall.
And that was when I spotted a giant heart shape in the center of the bottom of the fountain, made of pink rose pedals. I looked at Jonathan, trying to rack my brain, trying to figure out if that was there before. I do have terrible memory. "That wasn't there before was it?" And Jonathan avoids eye contact, as he does when he's nervous and says "nope." So he says to me, "I have something to tell you."
He pulls me next to the giant heart and places me upward, so he's a couple inches shorter than me. He pulls out a letter and reads from it. It was basically telling me why he loved me so much and everything he loved about me. About second line in, he began to cry. I could see him try to make eye contact, but he couldn't really speak. He was getting choked up already. Hearing his beautiful words, and watching him, I begin to cry. And it was right when he finishes, he gets down on one knee, pulls out a ring and asks, "Michelle Gabrielle Kingsbury, will you marry me?"
I nearly choke on my tongue, tears coating my eyes and I grab him. Well, more like hug-glomp. And I feel him sobbing. I tell him in his ear, "of course I'll marry you." All I can remember from then on is kissing and hugging this man who had just asked the question. This wonderful man, that I felt so connected to. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. His sister, Briele, and aunt Sarah had set up the rose pedals and recorded the whole thing. They had been so excited, and were sneaky about everything. They took pictures and recorded. We even had our own little audience at the top of the fountain. Even had a woman who was apparently gaping, and holding her mouth. It was so sweet, intimate, and yet, so beautiful. It was perfect.
And that's how Jonathan Casey proposed to me.
Now, we're planning a wedding, and fast. I will be in boot camp in a month time. I will have three months of that, six months of training. So we will be able to save up. Jonathan's sister, Samantha is a crazy good planner, and we're working on it now.
We're both so excited.
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