End of Sophomore Year.

It's finally here: I am halfway through my college career. I'm not sure how to feel about it yet. I almost feel like this picture. The sun sets on this day (or in my case, school year), and the moon comes, bringing brand new ways of looking at things.

I'm going to list things so we know what is what.

I passed my upper division juries, so I'm planning on having a recital in the fall. Because of this, I now have card access to Ross, which is nice, so I can practice quite a bit alllll summer. My finals are over, so I feel super relieved. I wanted it to end as soon as possible.

I'm also about to start full time work over the summer on campus. EXCITING! So that's everything so far.

As summer started today, I've realized so much more about myself. I have someone on my mind a lot, and it has been a while since it has been like this. I'm pretty sure I haven't felt this much concern in a while. Or this much thought relationally. But anyway . . .

I am now an official junior.

I am still a clarinet player.

I am a worker.

I am still tired.

:)

My Brain is Full

Here is my instrument, ruling my life again. I really think they should make this video game. But it would be tricky, as you wouldn't want to share the same mouth piece. But then they could make sensors on the mouthpiece and keys on the instrument. . . yes I am this nerdy.

I have been practicing 2-3 hours a day for the last two weeks, because of complete underlying panic. This jury on monday is my level change. I feel if I didn't practice more than 2 hours a day, that I would fail. This is big, because if I don't pass, I'm going to have to drop my second major, and I don't want to do that. This is why music is tougher than people make it out to be. Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, because I'm so tired and confused.
It will all be okay. That's all I know.

So, I realized something today. I miss theatre. I really miss it. I miss being able to let go and become a completely different person, have fun, memorizing. I watched the acting 2 class today. It really made me miss it a lot. But I chose my instrument and I can't look back. I will always look back on it and smile. Maybe I should just be friends with more actors/actresses. :P I can live vicariously through them. And everyone knows that theatre boys are cute. ;)

I only have finals week left! That is exciting, then I move to an apartment or a house and I start full time work on campus as custodial!
All I have to get through is two tests and my jury. I hope I get it done and pass all of them.

Blue rose phase? I think yes.

I've been wondering what this phase is. My life phase. I feel like I've been through the "life story" phase. And so, I'm trying to come up with a catchy title and meaning. That's when I thought of blue roses.

I love blue roses. I actually love the rose, but blue represents a lot for me. Blue is the color of passion, compassion, and depth. This is that phase. And since I'm at an awkward romantic place, it makes sense.

Let me explain the romantic part really quick. I've been at a place where I've just wanted a romantic relationship, but yet, I don't. There are a lot of things I must learn, but I do desire it. Roses, to me, are very romantic and a blue rose means more than I can say. Plus they smell good. But back to the serious bit. I mean, if the right person comes into my life, I'm not going to say no. It really also depends on the context. So, this is my awkward phase. I also have a desire to cuddle a lot. It ruins my groove, because I find most people don't want to cuddle at random.

My emotions came back a few days ago (I know this sounds really lame, but it's true). It was a flood, and I realized that it was due to stress. I just shut down. So now that I feel again, I am back to thinking about my future.

Juries are frightening. This spring concert is frightening. My instructor is frightening. Ehhh . . .

I'm super excited for next year. I got off campus housing, which is normally difficult for me as a junior, but I managed (personally, I think it's because of the overload of freshmen and not enough beds). I also have an on campus job over the summer, and so I feel very blessed. The off campus stuff is completely new, so I'm super excited. I also get to spend time with a lot of people that aren't in my major, who are staying on campus as well and it's a great opportunity. On top of it all, I plan on joining a community choir and Newberg's community band as a trumpet player (yes, I am well aware that I am a clarinet player).

So here's the update. I have a lot to do.
Oh, and I'm still listening to Rammstein like it's no one's business. Just saying.

This last week has been difficult.

This week has been very difficult for me. In fact, it's been one of the hardest. Juries are in three weeks time, I feel very lost with that.
There is pressure on me about the spring concert, because of the big piece in band. I wasn't worried about the Requiem part, until Pat said something about Loren being worried. And so now, of course, I'm worried. The only escape I've had is play D&D Friday with my boys and twin (I call her that, she's not really, we're just really freaking similar) and the writers group on Saturday. I have no escape. I feel like the weight of the semester is on my shoulders.
So, on top of all this, I've gone numb. Emotionally numb. I didn't even know this was possible. I really don't feel anything. At all. The only thing that gets me remotely close to feeling anything is listening to Rammstein. I think it's the music itself (they don't use basic chords) and the darkness to it. Don't worry, folks, I'm not going emo anytime soon. It's mostly the singer's voice, too, because it's so pure and beautiful. Haha. I honestly think its the stress behind everything, and my mind is in defensive mechanism. So, I am planning on going to the counseling center, to see what is going on with me. Maybe it's just a stress thing, I don't know. I hope everything starts getting better.
All I need at this point is interaction with people.

Oh, the irony.

It is so easy to get distracted, especially at a time like this. I want so badly to be better than average in my schooling. But right now, I am so mentally drained, I don't know if I have the gumption to continue onward. My instrument has taken all time, I'm paying dearly for even getting online. I have papers to write, tests to study for, homework to complete, chapters to read, and, yet, I have no ability to get up and do any of it.

This is what I like to call, end of the school year syndrome. It is ironic, because, how can one succeed if the effort is not being put out? I'm done with living with people, with working on things. I think I'm ready to get away and be by myself for a few weeks, which, hopefully I will, because I will (HOPEFULLY) be on campus, working full time. This is a bleh moment.

In other news, I think a change in me is going to be happening soon. I've been trying to understand what the meaning of lonely really means. Obviously it is different than being alone. But loneliness, for me, has been the lack of people in my life. Strangely enough, I never talk about it too much. You think I would. But people feeling bad is not on my agenda, I just want to be around people. The issue is, I find that vulnerability must be along side me in order to fend off loneliness, but that means I need to be completely vulnerable, which allows a large amount of possible pain. But this change is going to be happening soon. I can feel it.

Now, to recognize the end to this day, I will be working out with a friend. Good day.

Flower Candles

It's an interesting feeling staring at this flower candle. Yes this is a candle. I'm a romantic, as people know. This is so beautiful, and I had an interesting thought, provoked by Demetri Martin. Aren't flowers really threatening? It was suppose to be a joke, but I picked this joke apart today, out of my mind needing something to do. Demetri said: "Why are flowers meant to be a compliment? I would take them as a threat. Have some flowers, now watch them die. You're next." I really was fascinated by this. Then I thought of romantic abilities of candles. It was really cool that this confirmed the romantic attachment of flowers and candles.
I don't know why I thought of this. But, it is beautiful.

Time for an update. . .

This picture to the left is saying a lot about my mind now. My Clarinet has become my life and my passion. Everyday I wonder how much I will practice to get closer to the upper division level I need to be at in a month. How frightening that this test is coming up very soon. Since my instructor is insane, I'm going to have to step it up a notch and become doubly insane. . . but I'm not sure how this logic is going to help me in the long run . . . For now, at this moment, I'm going to eat this cadbury egg at two o'clock in the morning and be happy.

I am worried about quite a few things actually. The Lord put it on my heart to become a teacher, and I'm taking the music route. Honestly, there is no time left when one becomes a teacher. Especially a high school band director (what I'm striving to become). This has lead me to a few concerns.
I am a hopeless romantic. To the point of hopelessness. Yes that much hopelessnessess. Anyway, the more I think about my career, the more I realize how much I probably won't marry. But I so badly want to. What do I do with this? My heart tugs. I want a career. I want this opportunity to minister to older kids through music, and yet I still have this desire nagging at me? My clarinet and music has become everything, yet I still think of the embrace of a man, when I have the embrace of God and music? I am constantly confused.

This spring break, especially has been a challenge. I notice a lot of people are engaged, and even getting married within a year, and these are people my age. Why am I stuck in "unattractive" zone. I am not sure what it is due to, like maybe baggage, or appearances. It is bothersome to me, not because I want a man's approval, but I'm wondering if I am wasting my time, looking "cute" that day. Or maybe I should just wear sweats. I am honestly tired of the "he will see you for you" speech. In my opinion, if this man did and he exists now, why doesn't he say anything?

Oh dear, I shouldn't be up til 2 in the morning.

Anywho . . .

I have more guy friends than girls. I love all my friends. The thing is, I'm an affectionate woman by nature, with everyone. My guy friends tend to think, "oh no, if I show any affection at all, she will develop feelings for me." This is when I feel like cracking skulls, then putting the skulls back together because I feel bad. So not only am I struggling with my thoughts of career and romantic relationships, I am also getting no affection at all, and it's stabbing me on the insides. I feel as if I give 100% into relationships with all friends and I get 20% back, whether it be friends who just don't include me, or guy friends who just can't hug me like a real person (when they do the awkward side hug that makes me want to puke or maybe that ridiculous, "two inch" rule with three pats. Dear God.). I am ranting about a slightly ridiculous subject, but it's something that's been on my mind since this year started.

There has been a super positive note though. I'm going to Israel for junior's abroad next year! I'm very stoked. That is one thing I am looking forward to.
AND I GET TO GO TO DISNEYLAND IN JUNE!!! :DDDD
:)
So Clarinet, job, friends, men, and man-friends, have been on my mind. And the super fun trips! :D

I only hope it will at least clear up sometime. O.o