My Past Finally Caught Up With Me

This picture says a lot about me right now. I always thought I was invincible and that my decisions of what I did was a "no-regret" kind of thing. I never regretted what I did. I messed up, was proud, moved on, and continually messed up. That was until I was broken and came to Christ when I was 14. Then, I learned a new path of life. But I still had a lot of mistakes I made, of course, even after becoming saved. I suppressed them and figured "people will accept me or leave me alone." This is a great mentality . . . until you realize that your past has done more damage than good.

This is something I've been struggling with for the last few weeks. I start a thought on my past with "Why the hell did I [fill in with a stupid decision]." People, like my family, think I'm so accomplished, going to a Christian college, getting a degree, working at my music, fighting to be the best, blah blah blah. Little do they know, I'm continually haunted. Regret lives in my very being, tormenting me. I want so badly for people to see me as the redeemed woman I am in Christ. But when I tell them of my past, they judge me, see me as this dirty being because I am not "pure" like I should be. I feel like I am put in the box of shame, when I talk of my past. When I opened up to someone currently, they weren't sure how to look at me because of my past. It KILLS me to know that I am seen how I use to be.

So I prayed. I was in pain. Praying, calling out to my God, wanting to know how I could erase all of my disgusting marks from my soul, my spirit. Tonight, he answered me in my devotional. He said that my life was a song. That my song could only be sung by me, because of my experiences. That I should not regret but look to this as a lesson in life and a way to reach out to others. He said that my song was unique. I nearly burst into tears, because I didn't want this song. I wanted to be a song that was appealing to all ears, but I didn't realize that my song is appealing in its own way, reaching out to people that some songs couldn't reach out to. Some will not enjoy it. Some will. And because I strive to be this "wanted" song, I, in return, damaged myself, and poured suffering in my own life. This is the quote that got to me today:


"In the darkest night He is composing your song. In the valley He is tuning your voice. In the storm clouds He is deepening your range. In the rain showers He is sweetening your melody. In the cold He is giving your notes expression. And as you pass at times from hope to fear, He is perfecting the message of your lyrics."


Okay, I will admit I cried a bit after reading that. Then it hit me that my Father loves me. That my Lord really loved me and wanted the best. That my past was essential to serve him. That my mistakes are beautiful to serve Him.

I still have trouble thinking that way, but I was given hope tonight. My Lord gave me hope.

Something that has been hitting me lately.

Divorce is pretty horrible. Does anyone else notice the rising rates?
It pisses me off, to no bounds.
I was a child of two different divorces. My mother and father, obviously. And my father and first stepmother. Both of which destroyed me. The first one the most, but the second one still burned.
Here I am, watching the people around me destroy what God made for "happiness." When does the Bible speak of happiness, may I ask? There is joy of the Lord mentioned. BUT happiness is not among it.
Not only is this selfish, but this also kills the kids. No matter how much the child is smiling, it doesn't mean anything. Even now, I'm almost twenty years old, and I still feel the sting of the first divorce when I was nine freaking years old. I know my brother probably feels it too. My five year old brother, who is a child of my mother and stepfather, doesn't fully understand why me or my full blood brother, have a different dad. THIS doesn't sound like God's plan.
Now, after many years, I still feel that empty hollow pain and a part of me wishes my family was together.
I am pissed, because I have to see more lives ruined for the sake of happiness.
I am pissed, because this happens so frequently in America.
People use to be betrothed, and now, because laws are flexible, we can be selfish.
I will never divorce, I vow this right now.

Life as a rollercoaster in space!

I've been emotionally changing in the last two weeks. And learning a lot about myself and my surroundings.

This last week was the first full week of full time work I've ever done. Let me say, it is EXHAUSTING. I daresay almost as exhausting as working at a camp. Luckily, I'm getting paid 4X as much, but it's a constant go for 8 hours, whereas camp was broken up (I was a lifeguard). Cleaning that much has made me pickier, and at the same time, lazier with my own cleanliness. It's a strange situation. I also bought my first set of groceries ever, you know, without dependence on a school cafeteria. It's so strange to have it be so different. :P I enjoy the food I bought, because I've all ready started losing weight because the food I bought is MUCH healthier than the crap at the cafeteria at Fox.

My recital is going to be in November, so I'm about to kick it into gear for my instrument. I'm thinking 1 1/2 hours of practice a day should be pretty good. I sleep for 7-8 hours a night now, which has improved my health a lot, and I've also watched sugar intake, and eat every two hours. It's tough. But I want to be healthy and practice.

It's kinda lonely on campus, as everyone is gone. There are a few left, but it's still kinda sad. A lot of my friends are on juniors abroad, my future roomies, interest, all that jazz, but it's okay. They get back in less than three weeks, so I guess it could be worse. The girl in the picture with me is Vicky, and she's one of the roomies that is currently abroad. She's in New Zealand (<--I wish I could go to places like that!).

Anyway, there are a lot of things developing emotionally in me right now. For example, I haven't been truly vulnerable with someone in two years. It is frightening to do so. And it's looking like I'm going to be vulnerable for the first time in a while. I'm afraid because I feel so emotionally off and crazy, but in order to grow and love people, I need to be vulnerable. Putting my heart and emotions in someone's hands is unnerving. I just hope the Lord will help me through this process, because I thought I wasn't going to be vulnerable to this degree for the rest of my life, and I hardened my heart. Now to tear the layers of Michelle's protection and show the soft underside of the belly. The Father is the only one who can help me with this.

End of Sophomore Year.

It's finally here: I am halfway through my college career. I'm not sure how to feel about it yet. I almost feel like this picture. The sun sets on this day (or in my case, school year), and the moon comes, bringing brand new ways of looking at things.

I'm going to list things so we know what is what.

I passed my upper division juries, so I'm planning on having a recital in the fall. Because of this, I now have card access to Ross, which is nice, so I can practice quite a bit alllll summer. My finals are over, so I feel super relieved. I wanted it to end as soon as possible.

I'm also about to start full time work over the summer on campus. EXCITING! So that's everything so far.

As summer started today, I've realized so much more about myself. I have someone on my mind a lot, and it has been a while since it has been like this. I'm pretty sure I haven't felt this much concern in a while. Or this much thought relationally. But anyway . . .

I am now an official junior.

I am still a clarinet player.

I am a worker.

I am still tired.

:)

My Brain is Full

Here is my instrument, ruling my life again. I really think they should make this video game. But it would be tricky, as you wouldn't want to share the same mouth piece. But then they could make sensors on the mouthpiece and keys on the instrument. . . yes I am this nerdy.

I have been practicing 2-3 hours a day for the last two weeks, because of complete underlying panic. This jury on monday is my level change. I feel if I didn't practice more than 2 hours a day, that I would fail. This is big, because if I don't pass, I'm going to have to drop my second major, and I don't want to do that. This is why music is tougher than people make it out to be. Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, because I'm so tired and confused.
It will all be okay. That's all I know.

So, I realized something today. I miss theatre. I really miss it. I miss being able to let go and become a completely different person, have fun, memorizing. I watched the acting 2 class today. It really made me miss it a lot. But I chose my instrument and I can't look back. I will always look back on it and smile. Maybe I should just be friends with more actors/actresses. :P I can live vicariously through them. And everyone knows that theatre boys are cute. ;)

I only have finals week left! That is exciting, then I move to an apartment or a house and I start full time work on campus as custodial!
All I have to get through is two tests and my jury. I hope I get it done and pass all of them.

Blue rose phase? I think yes.

I've been wondering what this phase is. My life phase. I feel like I've been through the "life story" phase. And so, I'm trying to come up with a catchy title and meaning. That's when I thought of blue roses.

I love blue roses. I actually love the rose, but blue represents a lot for me. Blue is the color of passion, compassion, and depth. This is that phase. And since I'm at an awkward romantic place, it makes sense.

Let me explain the romantic part really quick. I've been at a place where I've just wanted a romantic relationship, but yet, I don't. There are a lot of things I must learn, but I do desire it. Roses, to me, are very romantic and a blue rose means more than I can say. Plus they smell good. But back to the serious bit. I mean, if the right person comes into my life, I'm not going to say no. It really also depends on the context. So, this is my awkward phase. I also have a desire to cuddle a lot. It ruins my groove, because I find most people don't want to cuddle at random.

My emotions came back a few days ago (I know this sounds really lame, but it's true). It was a flood, and I realized that it was due to stress. I just shut down. So now that I feel again, I am back to thinking about my future.

Juries are frightening. This spring concert is frightening. My instructor is frightening. Ehhh . . .

I'm super excited for next year. I got off campus housing, which is normally difficult for me as a junior, but I managed (personally, I think it's because of the overload of freshmen and not enough beds). I also have an on campus job over the summer, and so I feel very blessed. The off campus stuff is completely new, so I'm super excited. I also get to spend time with a lot of people that aren't in my major, who are staying on campus as well and it's a great opportunity. On top of it all, I plan on joining a community choir and Newberg's community band as a trumpet player (yes, I am well aware that I am a clarinet player).

So here's the update. I have a lot to do.
Oh, and I'm still listening to Rammstein like it's no one's business. Just saying.

This last week has been difficult.

This week has been very difficult for me. In fact, it's been one of the hardest. Juries are in three weeks time, I feel very lost with that.
There is pressure on me about the spring concert, because of the big piece in band. I wasn't worried about the Requiem part, until Pat said something about Loren being worried. And so now, of course, I'm worried. The only escape I've had is play D&D Friday with my boys and twin (I call her that, she's not really, we're just really freaking similar) and the writers group on Saturday. I have no escape. I feel like the weight of the semester is on my shoulders.
So, on top of all this, I've gone numb. Emotionally numb. I didn't even know this was possible. I really don't feel anything. At all. The only thing that gets me remotely close to feeling anything is listening to Rammstein. I think it's the music itself (they don't use basic chords) and the darkness to it. Don't worry, folks, I'm not going emo anytime soon. It's mostly the singer's voice, too, because it's so pure and beautiful. Haha. I honestly think its the stress behind everything, and my mind is in defensive mechanism. So, I am planning on going to the counseling center, to see what is going on with me. Maybe it's just a stress thing, I don't know. I hope everything starts getting better.
All I need at this point is interaction with people.