My heart and the fine wild nature of it!

So, we all know that the heart is a bit insane. I can honestly say mine is.

I did pass my recital hearing. That in itself was a blessing. Now, I'm onto phase two, getting my dress tailored (it's in process), and sending out invites. And ordering a huge cake.

Besides that. ..

I was talking to a friend for hours, worried about my heart and it's fragile nature. It has grown

stronger. I am rekindling relationships that were lost, and I am blowing on the coals of a few others, attempting to keep a few up.

But, I do have one insecurity that occasionally pops up to surprise me. And it's always when I sit down to think.

(the beach has many symbols of loneliness for me.)

It is loneliness. I never think about it. I'm continually going, working to be better, stronger, to get my degree, to help others in the process. But working distracts me from my heart's desire.

I want a companion. Not necessarily a romantic companion, but a best friend. I don't have a best friend per se. I have many very close friends. But I want that friend that is always there. I see it everywhere.
I can live without romanticism, if I have that best friend (a few are considered my best friends, but I mean the best friend). But I am lonely. Why?

Today, I woke up with a strange feeling at the pit of my stomach. I had a dream that I had a companion, it was not romantic. In the dream, the person was asexual. They were not a definite male or female. I had no romantic attraction, but I had a fierce loyalty and love for the person that I had every desire to be with them. At some point, the person was taken away and I felt empty.

(this is where my dream took place. It looked a lot like this redwood forest)

I woke up like that, and I knew it was something else. My own human instincts took the beauty and twisted into my insecurities. What about me drove people away? I knew others that were much more negative than me. It couldn't be that. I knew I wasn't that negative, as I grew out of that. The only thing that seemed to pop out at me was my old lifestyle. I use to struggle thoroughly with lust and a lot of it. I've worked hard to escape such a lifestyle.

So, I get on facebook like every other college student, to see if anyone messaged me. Maybe someone needed something?

I immediately get this IM from someone who pretty much messed with me this summer. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was the first person in two years I had emotionally opened up to and he did kinda spat in my face. Figuratively.

He was asking for something as trivial as a rope. Of course I HAD RANDOM ROPE LYING AROUND.

I, of course, respond confused. "No, why in the world would I have rope?"

"Well, I know you're into that sort of thing."

My jaw dropped a thousand miles. How dare this person, who didn't even bother to get to know me, and emotionally screw with me, say such a thing?! I was already in doubt of myself, and this had to be about the worst timing I had ever seen. I was engulfed in pure irritation.

I was half tempted to bike my way to where he lived and slap him. I'm not even kidding.

I did rationally say, "Don't think of me like that, I don't do things like that." But I was shaking out of anger. How dare he??

It only furthered my feeling of insecurity. Then, later I find out that I am not part of this party of people that I was hoping to be, because I wasn't "known longer." I didn't know friendship was based off of how long you knew someone? I thought it was an emotional connection.

My heart was in a wild state by the end of the day. I escaped to practice my instrument, write a lesson plan for advanced conducting, and work on a take home quiz for elementary music methods.

The more I work, the better I feel, but the heart is still at work.

I have an inkling of who that person is. It was God, I'm willing to bet. But I always desire for a companion, no matter how many times I try to deny it.

Update on life, amused/terrified/ecstatic.

It's been a while. A long while.

I am four days from my hearing. My hearing to my recital. I'm in the mix of feeling excited, yet terrified. My instructor makes it seem like the world will end if I don't play perfectly. My accompanist is encouraging saying that it's for my own protection and that the faculty only wants me to succeed and that small mistakes are okay. As a perfectionist, I notice the bad criticisms before good, and I tend to think that I stink, due to my instructor making me feel like I do. I'm the type that does better with positive reinforcement.
But yet. . . in midst of being terrified. . . I am ecstatic. I get to play music. For people. God gave me this talent to even pick up an instrument, hear a pitch and play the notes. I get to glorify Him by playing my instrument. Best. Ministry. Ever. I get to show the music faculty what God has done and bathe in that adrenaline, losing myself in the sounds of beauty. I know I've done the right performance when I don't remember a thing. I only remember the first note, and last. And I feel like pure energy is shooting through my veins. I really think it's God, to be honest. As corny as that sounds.
But I am excited. And afraid.

On a different note, I no longer lash out at people. But my body physically pays for my suppression of emotion. These last few weeks alone, I've had 4 migraine-headaches, 5 apathetic days, and 1 anxiety attack. Most of this is caused by stress. I feel like this is better than having the department dislike me. :P

My love life is currently apathetic. Mainly because I have no time. I'm still praying for you, future spouse. But I know it'll be the right time when a male enters my life in a relationship standpoint.


I will update on the hearing and post pictures of stuff later.
What a crazy month.

Ooo, well, another typing session.

So, it hasn't been easy, but I've been getting through the last month. Normally, I'm relaxing, thinking, "Oh, schools gonna start soon. Yay!" But instead, I am challenged by things like buying a new car and getting an apartment. It's pretty difficult. I don't remember adult life being so hard. . . maybe because I was a kid before.

I started meeting with a group on Mondays to help me with things. And there are many groups the Lord has blessed me with. It's been amazing!

The not so amazing things is my up coming recital and the whole money situation. I guess it's nothing new though. I'm use to stuff like this.

Emotionally, it has been pretty up and down. I've met some pretty amazing people, strangely online (don't judge me, it's not like I went to a chat room). They have been a blessing (even though they don't know it yet. :-3). And I have great roommates. But my thing is, is that I still haven't really gotten passed my pain in relationships as a child/adolescent, and so it's hindering me from a lot of growth. The Monday group is really helping me out with that, and a few people's guidance. It made me realize that if I were to marry, I would need to hold my Lord's hand and place my burdens on Him, while dealing with pain. Right now, I'm not so spectacular at that (good thing I know this). Future spouse, I am praying for you. Mostly cause I know I'm going to end up even more opinionated and fired up. Good thing, too, cause some people need that.

Anyway, I'm working hard and praying. It's life, I suppose.

My Past and My Changes

I put a lot of thought behind what I did and what the Lord told me a few weeks ago. My blog is about changing, and it's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm going to start with superficial things, just to get them out of the way.

I plan on working out, two times a day, once at six AM and another time at seven PM, to reduce my anxiety and stress level. I remember that I use to be super giddy when I did that, so why not? Also, in affect, I am not allowed to eat super sugary things: only three times a week. This is for my blood sugar health because of my pre-diabetes and heart issues (yes, I all ready have these problems. I'm like a freaking 45 year old). This is also because it's not doing me any good.

I also plan on getting my hair weaved and chopped. Not short, because I'm aiming for long hair, but I want a different look. I also plan on weaving my hair with red, because I think it's pretty. It will be subtle, because it needs to look natural. Along with this, I am going to touch up my tattoo, cause it needs it and I want the lines to fill in all the way. Just saying.

My change is also reaching to my heart. I plan and will be doing morning devotionals before I leave for work, because I haven't been spending the right time with the Lord. I've been in myself, and I realized it's because I think my value is in this world, and I need to get my head out of the sand and know my only value is in Christ and Him alone. He must be my number one.
This also means learning that since my value is in Christ, nothing else matters, and if I am to pursue anything or anyone, it must be for the glory of Christ. So far, I haven't thought of anything that is a distraction/doesn't give glory to Christ. In fact, someone actually helped me out. I had a lot, and still have a lot of regret. But this person has helped me start a new mindset of valuing Christ, and it's started with trust and restraint toward my old self. I must not succumb to what I use to do/be. It is a valuable experience, but I must live the life Christ placed in front of me. This means pursuing people, and my career as a teacher, as he commanded. My relationships are along with his command, and that gives me hope. This also means living for today.

I need help, folks. As easy as change is, it's actually a tough thing to get by. I need support, and most of all, mentorship and prayer. Because my life is a song, and a unique one, I will need help. You are part of my voice. Christ is number one, but I always need a support system.

If you are reading this, thank you for consideration. Thank you for your thoughts. Thank you for your prayers.

My Past Finally Caught Up With Me

This picture says a lot about me right now. I always thought I was invincible and that my decisions of what I did was a "no-regret" kind of thing. I never regretted what I did. I messed up, was proud, moved on, and continually messed up. That was until I was broken and came to Christ when I was 14. Then, I learned a new path of life. But I still had a lot of mistakes I made, of course, even after becoming saved. I suppressed them and figured "people will accept me or leave me alone." This is a great mentality . . . until you realize that your past has done more damage than good.

This is something I've been struggling with for the last few weeks. I start a thought on my past with "Why the hell did I [fill in with a stupid decision]." People, like my family, think I'm so accomplished, going to a Christian college, getting a degree, working at my music, fighting to be the best, blah blah blah. Little do they know, I'm continually haunted. Regret lives in my very being, tormenting me. I want so badly for people to see me as the redeemed woman I am in Christ. But when I tell them of my past, they judge me, see me as this dirty being because I am not "pure" like I should be. I feel like I am put in the box of shame, when I talk of my past. When I opened up to someone currently, they weren't sure how to look at me because of my past. It KILLS me to know that I am seen how I use to be.

So I prayed. I was in pain. Praying, calling out to my God, wanting to know how I could erase all of my disgusting marks from my soul, my spirit. Tonight, he answered me in my devotional. He said that my life was a song. That my song could only be sung by me, because of my experiences. That I should not regret but look to this as a lesson in life and a way to reach out to others. He said that my song was unique. I nearly burst into tears, because I didn't want this song. I wanted to be a song that was appealing to all ears, but I didn't realize that my song is appealing in its own way, reaching out to people that some songs couldn't reach out to. Some will not enjoy it. Some will. And because I strive to be this "wanted" song, I, in return, damaged myself, and poured suffering in my own life. This is the quote that got to me today:


"In the darkest night He is composing your song. In the valley He is tuning your voice. In the storm clouds He is deepening your range. In the rain showers He is sweetening your melody. In the cold He is giving your notes expression. And as you pass at times from hope to fear, He is perfecting the message of your lyrics."


Okay, I will admit I cried a bit after reading that. Then it hit me that my Father loves me. That my Lord really loved me and wanted the best. That my past was essential to serve him. That my mistakes are beautiful to serve Him.

I still have trouble thinking that way, but I was given hope tonight. My Lord gave me hope.

Something that has been hitting me lately.

Divorce is pretty horrible. Does anyone else notice the rising rates?
It pisses me off, to no bounds.
I was a child of two different divorces. My mother and father, obviously. And my father and first stepmother. Both of which destroyed me. The first one the most, but the second one still burned.
Here I am, watching the people around me destroy what God made for "happiness." When does the Bible speak of happiness, may I ask? There is joy of the Lord mentioned. BUT happiness is not among it.
Not only is this selfish, but this also kills the kids. No matter how much the child is smiling, it doesn't mean anything. Even now, I'm almost twenty years old, and I still feel the sting of the first divorce when I was nine freaking years old. I know my brother probably feels it too. My five year old brother, who is a child of my mother and stepfather, doesn't fully understand why me or my full blood brother, have a different dad. THIS doesn't sound like God's plan.
Now, after many years, I still feel that empty hollow pain and a part of me wishes my family was together.
I am pissed, because I have to see more lives ruined for the sake of happiness.
I am pissed, because this happens so frequently in America.
People use to be betrothed, and now, because laws are flexible, we can be selfish.
I will never divorce, I vow this right now.

Life as a rollercoaster in space!

I've been emotionally changing in the last two weeks. And learning a lot about myself and my surroundings.

This last week was the first full week of full time work I've ever done. Let me say, it is EXHAUSTING. I daresay almost as exhausting as working at a camp. Luckily, I'm getting paid 4X as much, but it's a constant go for 8 hours, whereas camp was broken up (I was a lifeguard). Cleaning that much has made me pickier, and at the same time, lazier with my own cleanliness. It's a strange situation. I also bought my first set of groceries ever, you know, without dependence on a school cafeteria. It's so strange to have it be so different. :P I enjoy the food I bought, because I've all ready started losing weight because the food I bought is MUCH healthier than the crap at the cafeteria at Fox.

My recital is going to be in November, so I'm about to kick it into gear for my instrument. I'm thinking 1 1/2 hours of practice a day should be pretty good. I sleep for 7-8 hours a night now, which has improved my health a lot, and I've also watched sugar intake, and eat every two hours. It's tough. But I want to be healthy and practice.

It's kinda lonely on campus, as everyone is gone. There are a few left, but it's still kinda sad. A lot of my friends are on juniors abroad, my future roomies, interest, all that jazz, but it's okay. They get back in less than three weeks, so I guess it could be worse. The girl in the picture with me is Vicky, and she's one of the roomies that is currently abroad. She's in New Zealand (<--I wish I could go to places like that!).

Anyway, there are a lot of things developing emotionally in me right now. For example, I haven't been truly vulnerable with someone in two years. It is frightening to do so. And it's looking like I'm going to be vulnerable for the first time in a while. I'm afraid because I feel so emotionally off and crazy, but in order to grow and love people, I need to be vulnerable. Putting my heart and emotions in someone's hands is unnerving. I just hope the Lord will help me through this process, because I thought I wasn't going to be vulnerable to this degree for the rest of my life, and I hardened my heart. Now to tear the layers of Michelle's protection and show the soft underside of the belly. The Father is the only one who can help me with this.