Oh, the irony.

It is so easy to get distracted, especially at a time like this. I want so badly to be better than average in my schooling. But right now, I am so mentally drained, I don't know if I have the gumption to continue onward. My instrument has taken all time, I'm paying dearly for even getting online. I have papers to write, tests to study for, homework to complete, chapters to read, and, yet, I have no ability to get up and do any of it.

This is what I like to call, end of the school year syndrome. It is ironic, because, how can one succeed if the effort is not being put out? I'm done with living with people, with working on things. I think I'm ready to get away and be by myself for a few weeks, which, hopefully I will, because I will (HOPEFULLY) be on campus, working full time. This is a bleh moment.

In other news, I think a change in me is going to be happening soon. I've been trying to understand what the meaning of lonely really means. Obviously it is different than being alone. But loneliness, for me, has been the lack of people in my life. Strangely enough, I never talk about it too much. You think I would. But people feeling bad is not on my agenda, I just want to be around people. The issue is, I find that vulnerability must be along side me in order to fend off loneliness, but that means I need to be completely vulnerable, which allows a large amount of possible pain. But this change is going to be happening soon. I can feel it.

Now, to recognize the end to this day, I will be working out with a friend. Good day.

Flower Candles

It's an interesting feeling staring at this flower candle. Yes this is a candle. I'm a romantic, as people know. This is so beautiful, and I had an interesting thought, provoked by Demetri Martin. Aren't flowers really threatening? It was suppose to be a joke, but I picked this joke apart today, out of my mind needing something to do. Demetri said: "Why are flowers meant to be a compliment? I would take them as a threat. Have some flowers, now watch them die. You're next." I really was fascinated by this. Then I thought of romantic abilities of candles. It was really cool that this confirmed the romantic attachment of flowers and candles.
I don't know why I thought of this. But, it is beautiful.

Time for an update. . .

This picture to the left is saying a lot about my mind now. My Clarinet has become my life and my passion. Everyday I wonder how much I will practice to get closer to the upper division level I need to be at in a month. How frightening that this test is coming up very soon. Since my instructor is insane, I'm going to have to step it up a notch and become doubly insane. . . but I'm not sure how this logic is going to help me in the long run . . . For now, at this moment, I'm going to eat this cadbury egg at two o'clock in the morning and be happy.

I am worried about quite a few things actually. The Lord put it on my heart to become a teacher, and I'm taking the music route. Honestly, there is no time left when one becomes a teacher. Especially a high school band director (what I'm striving to become). This has lead me to a few concerns.
I am a hopeless romantic. To the point of hopelessness. Yes that much hopelessnessess. Anyway, the more I think about my career, the more I realize how much I probably won't marry. But I so badly want to. What do I do with this? My heart tugs. I want a career. I want this opportunity to minister to older kids through music, and yet I still have this desire nagging at me? My clarinet and music has become everything, yet I still think of the embrace of a man, when I have the embrace of God and music? I am constantly confused.

This spring break, especially has been a challenge. I notice a lot of people are engaged, and even getting married within a year, and these are people my age. Why am I stuck in "unattractive" zone. I am not sure what it is due to, like maybe baggage, or appearances. It is bothersome to me, not because I want a man's approval, but I'm wondering if I am wasting my time, looking "cute" that day. Or maybe I should just wear sweats. I am honestly tired of the "he will see you for you" speech. In my opinion, if this man did and he exists now, why doesn't he say anything?

Oh dear, I shouldn't be up til 2 in the morning.

Anywho . . .

I have more guy friends than girls. I love all my friends. The thing is, I'm an affectionate woman by nature, with everyone. My guy friends tend to think, "oh no, if I show any affection at all, she will develop feelings for me." This is when I feel like cracking skulls, then putting the skulls back together because I feel bad. So not only am I struggling with my thoughts of career and romantic relationships, I am also getting no affection at all, and it's stabbing me on the insides. I feel as if I give 100% into relationships with all friends and I get 20% back, whether it be friends who just don't include me, or guy friends who just can't hug me like a real person (when they do the awkward side hug that makes me want to puke or maybe that ridiculous, "two inch" rule with three pats. Dear God.). I am ranting about a slightly ridiculous subject, but it's something that's been on my mind since this year started.

There has been a super positive note though. I'm going to Israel for junior's abroad next year! I'm very stoked. That is one thing I am looking forward to.
AND I GET TO GO TO DISNEYLAND IN JUNE!!! :DDDD
:)
So Clarinet, job, friends, men, and man-friends, have been on my mind. And the super fun trips! :D

I only hope it will at least clear up sometime. O.o

Summer? It happened.

So, one day before I leave for Fox for my second year.

I hadn't realized how fast the time flies, until I noticed my new home would be a Suite with three wonderful girls!

I still haven't changed my desired career. I'm currently a Music Education and Performance double major. My instrument is still a huge part of my life, and I hope one day I get to be the one who teaches children about music and life.

I'm very excited about this year, mostly because of the opportunities that'll come out of it. I'll be applying to the school of education, to continue in the Music Education department. I'm also striving to pass onto upper division at the end of this year with my Clarinet.

My summer was . . . life changing. I hadn't realized I held so much bitterness toward some of my family and toward men. I actually started to wish death among some of these people (it sounds dramatic, but I was truly full of rage with these people). The Lord grabbed ahold of my heart this summer and I forgave many people. I was in deep hurt, and ignored every bit of it, stuffing all my severe emotions in a box. But as stuffing goes, it always ends up leaking out and onto others, and before I knew it, I hurt many people. I decided it was time for a change. A quote I really remember, from someone on the same camp staff as me, pierced me. Not in a bad way, of course. But this person told me, "Being optimistic is a mindset. It's actually more of a choice than people make it out to be." Immediately, I knew my reasons why I was so depressed and struggling. First of all, I wasn't putting God first, which is a VERY bad idea. Second of all, I feared rejection and messing up, so I was always naturally defensive, another issue I have when I don't put God first. And I wasn't making an effort to be positive, which I should've been. ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T PUT GOD FIRST. Go figure, right?

This summer changed my life. I lived at a camp, worked with counselors, other lifeguards, leadership staff, and kids. It wasn't the average lifeguard job. And a few people I opened up to, one actually heard my whole testimony, and because of that, that person and I were probably closer than most. Of course, people thought the guy and I liked each other, but he was just a friend. Overall this summer has been intense.

It's leading onto this fall. My view is different on life. I don't see life as a downer, but as a journey with my Lord and Savior. I don't see people as naturally hurtful, but as brothers and sisters, on a journey as well. I don't see early mornings as a pain in the butt, but an opportunity to spend time with the Lord. I don't see work as an irritation, but a way to serve the Lord and achieve my goals. I am ready to tackle Fox, enjoy, make new memories, praise God in trials, and smile, even when I don't feel like it.

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts for me over the summer if you have, because they've helped me in so many ways. :)

Background.

I've decided to start a blog, so people can know what's going on, if they don't have time to check in... also boredom set in.

The main (and actual) reason why I started one was because I wanted to see how certain life decisions change me and the course of this change.

Here, lets put a little background on me (in case you don't know).

I am Michelle Gabrielle Kingsbury.

I was born in central Oregon, and have been all over Oregon.

I grew up with diagnosed childhood epilepsy, social disorder, auditory dyslexia. I got over the epilepsy at nine, dyslexia around twelve, and social disorder between fifteen and sixteen years of age. Obviously that changed me some.

My parents divorced, and my father remarried twice (the first remarriage was a disaster, the second one much better). My mother remarried my stepdad and had a kid. So far, including all the families, I have nine siblings. Only one is full blooded.

I went to a small town middle and high school, and I use to swim competitively, and went to state and everything. I can honestly say I was ripped... at that time.

My perspective in life changed when I went to college (and it tends to do that with a lot, it seems) and it's where I confirmed I wanted to be a musician, band director, and special education teacher.

For my testimony, I can probably do a quick bit of it. I grew up in an agnostic home, and I knew a God existed, but who? After my parent's divorce, I became angry. I hated God, the world and I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. After a few years of this hate, I decided to go to bible camp because people INSISTED I go. I agreed. I had gotten baptized when I was eleven, but it was people's approval, moreover, than God's. The last night at bible camp, I was pissed off, broken and in pain. I wanted it all to end. So I thought, "screw this, God. I'm done. I don't know what else to do, and I hate everything." So, he was my last hope. I walked up to the alter, my mind full of the same rage I carried around. The preacher was using a prop (a net), like the woman in the bible who had bled for years, as Jesus's cloak, and he said, "If you have hurts, pains, wounds, Jesus can help. If you need someone to be there, and you know he can redeem you, there is a savior. Touch this net, ask for his healing and surrender." It was all I could do. So I knelt and touched it and thought, "I want this, this healing. Please, don't leave me like this. I believe." You may believe me, you may not. My entire body felt as if it were growing hot, and my heart rate sped. I felt hands on my back and turned around. Let me tell you, I saw NO ONE behind me. I heard a whisper in my ear, saying, "I am here." I felt love and relief in my head, washed in the love. I broke down and lost it, surrendering. It was that night I became a believer and decided to follow Christ. That is my testimony. Only few know it.

Now, I am currently enrolled in George Fox, a music performance and education double major. I want to go to PSU, or some other school for a music and special education masters. I eventually want to get a doctorate in music (I'm not sure which branch).

That's me now. I might be different in three weeks, months, years, but I really don't know. It's why it's a journey.