Friday, March 23, 2012

Questions and Answers

A lot has been on my mind in the past few weeks. These things generally:
  • Children
  • Disease
  • Sociopathy
  • Love
  • Addictions
  • Pain
  • Pursuing dreams
  • Career

All to say, I think I'm going to give a short summary to all of these, and don't worry, they're all connected. I just think I'll start at the top.

Ever since I left home, I've been the type to think I would have kids later. I'm starting to think that maybe I won't. I don't think I could handle it. I wouldn't have the guts to give up my life for a kid. I want to teach, yes. But not have my own kids. I really have a major fear that I will pass down Muscular Dystrophy to my future kids (which really scares the ever-loving hell out of me) and I couldn't do what my mother does and stays home with my baby brother, Josiah. I couldn't stay home with my kid. I feel extremely selfish, but I feel like this is a legit fear. This is where the thoughts of disease plays in. I'm basically a breeding ground for disease. I have bad skin, have chances at 3 different types of cancers, I currently have high blood pressure, diabetes risk, fatigued, asthma, bad joints, bad eyesight, PCOS, MD carrier, malignant hyperthermia (which is connected to MD), I had childhood epilepsy and social issues, as well as an auditory dyslexia problem (which I still occasionally deal with). I just have bad health all around. Oh, and I struggle with weight. I just don't want to pass any of that to my future kids. At all. So I should probably not have them. Just as a safety mechanism.

Speaking of not wanting kids.

I've been looking up sociopathy because I have tendencies toward it. And it's kinda unnerving that some days, I could care less about how a person feels, as long as I get what I want and do anything to get to it. I'm not a sociopath. I care too much about others and what they think. I just have tendencies and will occasionally display signs of it. I'm currently writing a novel about a male with two different personalities, the human good side and the demon side. The demon, is a sociopath. I have a friend who told me that I wrote too naturally as a sociopath. Said I sounded like I lived it. That made me a tad nervous. Sociopathy is generally not a good thing to society.

This leads to love.

I wonder what it takes for someone to love unconditionally. Just a thoughtful question. God? Good experiences? I know the obvious Christian answer. But what about a philosophical one?

Anywho . . .

I know people who struggle with love addiction. I'm not one of them. I will gladly love and accept love naturally and not obsessively. But when I was talking to the counselor, I realized I have an addictive personality. To cope, I become a workaholic. Or I eat too much. Or I find something else to binge on. Luckily, I have some amounts of common sense, so I stop when I realize it's getting unhealthy (it's probably why I'm not a drug addict). But then I latch to something else. Yet another thing to work through, I suppose. Most of this is result of pain I didn't deal with until now. My issues of my past have leaked out in many ways, and addictions are one of many ways I've mentally coped. I know that when I work through, I will still have my dreams and drive, but it won't be so unhealthy to the point of exhaustion.

My career path totally changed this last week. I still want to be a teacher and I only have one year of school left. Might as well get my music education degree. However, I really want to be a performer. I had many arrows in Reno point me to performing. And so, once I confirmed it with myself, I upped the practice, I'm currently raising money for a new instrument, and I am meeting with the instructor at PSU in two weeks to take a lesson from her and get more information about their masters in performance. I just want to perform. Endless hours of rehearsal actually appeal to me. Very few actually like that. And few would put in the hours of practice. I want to. It seems like the right choice. However, I've accepted the fact I will never have money. Musicians are poor as hell. :P

But this is a summary of my thoughts. Penny for yours? ;)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Another 90 Degree Angle.

Another change, yet again has taken place.

Of course this reflects my blog name. This blog is about tracking the process of change, am I right? Well, I've been seeing a therapist (and quite frankly, I think everyone should, because everyone has something they're carrying around). And I've recovered some memories of my childhood that one should not remember. Quite frankly, I was glad my mind decided to block it out till now, because it's something I wouldn't've handled well until about now, anyway.

So, this memory is a huge root of all my insecurities, issues, and my mental and emotional state. It was a shock and almost painful to remember such a thing. I had only remembered the memory around it, but not the event itself. The counselor was asking simple questions, and when I remembered it, it was a shock.

All this to say, ever since I had remembered, I feel sad for what happened. But. . . lighter. Like my subconscious was leaking, and now, since I know wha
t is going on, I can patch it up. My moods and my thoughts have improved. Instead of feeling supremely pissed at situations, I feel only irritated. Instead of having downward spirals in thoughts, I have a step downstairs and I step back up. It was amazing how different I felt and continue to feel.

It was when I realized that I probably had a few other things in my childhood that was blocked in my mind, and a lot of my deep rooted issues was in these situations, and I think it was a memory block that keeps these locked away out of protection for my previous mental state. But now, since the blocks are becoming a negative force, I have to find them and push them out of the way.

Out of this I really feel like the tattoo I'm getting tomorrow is appropriate. Here is the design:
The font will be much more formal, and the tattoo artist is tweaking it to make it more symmetrical.

This tattoo symbolizes that even in the dark times, even when I have nothing left, the Lord is always there and he is to be given glory to. He is my light.

"19 The sun shall be no more your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon give you light;
but the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
20 Your sun shall no more go down,
nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your days of mourning shall be ended."
--Isaiah 60:19-20

It is so weird that all of this should come together when I have this inspiration of a design. I believe my body is the temple of the Lord. The temple is unique, and I think that if I have a permanent marking, it should glorify God, because I am a temple. So, this marking is very important to me. It marks a new turn, just as the one on my ankle does. :)

20 It

So overall, now, I feel like I have a path and a direction when it comes to positive change. This will be painful for a while, but I know overall, it will help me become the person I was born to be.