Monday, May 30, 2011

My Past Finally Caught Up With Me

This picture says a lot about me right now. I always thought I was invincible and that my decisions of what I did was a "no-regret" kind of thing. I never regretted what I did. I messed up, was proud, moved on, and continually messed up. That was until I was broken and came to Christ when I was 14. Then, I learned a new path of life. But I still had a lot of mistakes I made, of course, even after becoming saved. I suppressed them and figured "people will accept me or leave me alone." This is a great mentality . . . until you realize that your past has done more damage than good.

This is something I've been struggling with for the last few weeks. I start a thought on my past with "Why the hell did I [fill in with a stupid decision]." People, like my family, think I'm so accomplished, going to a Christian college, getting a degree, working at my music, fighting to be the best, blah blah blah. Little do they know, I'm continually haunted. Regret lives in my very being, tormenting me. I want so badly for people to see me as the redeemed woman I am in Christ. But when I tell them of my past, they judge me, see me as this dirty being because I am not "pure" like I should be. I feel like I am put in the box of shame, when I talk of my past. When I opened up to someone currently, they weren't sure how to look at me because of my past. It KILLS me to know that I am seen how I use to be.

So I prayed. I was in pain. Praying, calling out to my God, wanting to know how I could erase all of my disgusting marks from my soul, my spirit. Tonight, he answered me in my devotional. He said that my life was a song. That my song could only be sung by me, because of my experiences. That I should not regret but look to this as a lesson in life and a way to reach out to others. He said that my song was unique. I nearly burst into tears, because I didn't want this song. I wanted to be a song that was appealing to all ears, but I didn't realize that my song is appealing in its own way, reaching out to people that some songs couldn't reach out to. Some will not enjoy it. Some will. And because I strive to be this "wanted" song, I, in return, damaged myself, and poured suffering in my own life. This is the quote that got to me today:

"In the darkest night He is composing your song. In the valley He is tuning your voice. In the storm clouds He is deepening your range. In the rain showers He is sweetening your melody. In the cold He is giving your notes expression. And as you pass at times from hope to fear, He is perfecting the message of your lyrics."

Okay, I will admit I cried a bit after reading that. Then it hit me that my Father loves me. That my Lord really loved me and wanted the best. That my past was essential to serve him. That my mistakes are beautiful to serve Him.

I still have trouble thinking that way, but I was given hope tonight. My Lord gave me hope.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Something that has been hitting me lately.

Divorce is pretty horrible. Does anyone else notice the rising rates?
It pisses me off, to no bounds.
I was a child of two different divorces. My mother and father, obviously. And my father and first stepmother. Both of which destroyed me. The first one the most, but the second one still burned.
Here I am, watching the people around me destroy what God made for "happiness." When does the Bible speak of happiness, may I ask? There is joy of the Lord mentioned. BUT happiness is not among it.
Not only is this selfish, but this also kills the kids. No matter how much the child is smiling, it doesn't mean anything. Even now, I'm almost twenty years old, and I still feel the sting of the first divorce when I was nine freaking years old. I know my brother probably feels it too. My five year old brother, who is a child of my mother and stepfather, doesn't fully understand why me or my full blood brother, have a different dad. THIS doesn't sound like God's plan.
Now, after many years, I still feel that empty hollow pain and a part of me wishes my family was together.
I am pissed, because I have to see more lives ruined for the sake of happiness.
I am pissed, because this happens so frequently in America.
People use to be betrothed, and now, because laws are flexible, we can be selfish.
I will never divorce, I vow this right now.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Life as a rollercoaster in space!

I've been emotionally changing in the last two weeks. And learning a lot about myself and my surroundings.

This last week was the first full week of full time work I've ever done. Let me say, it is EXHAUSTING. I daresay almost as exhausting as working at a camp. Luckily, I'm getting paid 4X as much, but it's a constant go for 8 hours, whereas camp was broken up (I was a lifeguard). Cleaning that much has made me pickier, and at the same time, lazier with my own cleanliness. It's a strange situation. I also bought my first set of groceries ever, you know, without dependence on a school cafeteria. It's so strange to have it be so different. :P I enjoy the food I bought, because I've all ready started losing weight because the food I bought is MUCH healthier than the crap at the cafeteria at Fox.

My recital is going to be in November, so I'm about to kick it into gear for my instrument. I'm thinking 1 1/2 hours of practice a day should be pretty good. I sleep for 7-8 hours a night now, which has improved my health a lot, and I've also watched sugar intake, and eat every two hours. It's tough. But I want to be healthy and practice.

It's kinda lonely on campus, as everyone is gone. There are a few left, but it's still kinda sad. A lot of my friends are on juniors abroad, my future roomies, interest, all that jazz, but it's okay. They get back in less than three weeks, so I guess it could be worse. The girl in the picture with me is Vicky, and she's one of the roomies that is currently abroad. She's in New Zealand (<--I wish I could go to places like that!).

Anyway, there are a lot of things developing emotionally in me right now. For example, I haven't been truly vulnerable with someone in two years. It is frightening to do so. And it's looking like I'm going to be vulnerable for the first time in a while. I'm afraid because I feel so emotionally off and crazy, but in order to grow and love people, I need to be vulnerable. Putting my heart and emotions in someone's hands is unnerving. I just hope the Lord will help me through this process, because I thought I wasn't going to be vulnerable to this degree for the rest of my life, and I hardened my heart. Now to tear the layers of Michelle's protection and show the soft underside of the belly. The Father is the only one who can help me with this.