Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I'm still alive . . . I think.

So, thankfully, I am still alive. :P

This semester has been a little more than interesting. I feel like everything happened in a four month span.

Let's start with September/October, shall we?
I took 20 credits of classes. Yes, I am insane. I really want to graduate in time. And sometimes you have to destroy your brain to build it up. At least, that's what I tell myself. Keep in mind, as a music major, that's about eleven or twelve classes. And no, it's not just fun and games with playing music. This crap is difficult. I love this crap, but it challenges me. And I had a recital I prepared for and finished. It was exhausting. My load was easier once recital was done. At the end of October, I started a relationship. Wooooo! It's my first one in over two years, so I'm a bit rusty, lemme say that now.

I may have had a lighter load, but the band traveled to Seattle, WA to play at WIBC. We did spectacular. So much so that our conductor, Pat, said we were going to do David Maslanka's fourth symphony. I'm freaking excited for that, by the way. But right after WIBC, christmas concert was on my tail and I was just exhausted. Luckily, I had support all the way around from many people. I was tired, though. Very tired. I slept maybe 5 hours a night. Had a lot of work to do. Even did NaNoWriMo. It was insane.

This was by far the most difficult month. I had the concert, had to learn both choir and band music. And finals week. So much to do. The only thing on my side happened to be that I didn't have to do a jury for Clarinet (because of the recital). That made me extremely happy. But my instructor was still relentless. When the week was over, I felt relieved. I was done with the semester.

That's a short recap. VERY short recap.

I'm glad I'm still alive.

But anyway, I have a few projects planned for next year. I'm going to finish Man of War, a book I've been writing about a half demon exorcist (Ironic? Why yes it is). I'm going to train for marathons and triathlons (for my health, and I need a goal), and I plan on taking up archery. These will be my hobbies for sure. I need them.
I will be applying to grad schools, because music is crazy competitive. I need to do it now. I'm really nervous. Beyond nervous. One slot is open in the PSU grad conducting program. I really want it.

But this is the current me. :)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Why must everyone bash others!?

Alright, I'm posting this because it's really been bothering me the last few days, and bare with me, cause this isn't directed at anyone. I just notice it because I'm part of this group and it really irritates me.

Why the hell are only Christians pointed out for their faults?!

I am a believer, and I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Does me saying this mean I shove a religion down someone's throat? Apparently. If someone were to say they were a Buddhist, they're okay. But to say that one loves Jesus, not okay.

I'm so annoyed at this notion.

Here are my reasons why I get so livid at this:

1) There are extremists in every religion. EVERY SINGLE ONE. There are muslims who think killing other off that don't believe in Allah is okay. There are Buddhists who think that all should become monks and live for only achieving nirvana. How about we not point out one group's faults? Doesn't this make you look judgmental, by judging? Saying, "how dare you!" and pointing out douche ways makes you look like a douche. It shouldn't be done.

2) Not everyone is perfect. No one is, in fact. So to point the finger, again, at someone and say "look! hypocrite." Well, so are you. Yes. We all are. Stop that now. Jesus didn't come into the world for healthy people, he came for the sick. It is guaranteed that that Christian that just screwed up knows they did and are praying for forgiveness. People don't need to just get pissed off at each other. I'm sure they have all messed up too.

3) Just because we talk about our beliefs doesn't mean we're trying to convert and brainwash. Maybe we just like to talk about it. It is our life. It fascinates us. Getting angry over talking about it and dwelling on God is not a bad thing. We're PASSIONATE about this. We love God. Whether you think he exists is not our business. We're here to worship God and we're proud. Stop getting upset by it and let us do so.

4) We have our beliefs. Just as anyone else on the planet. Now, if we believe in an afterlife, and hell, or whatever, we believe it. It really shouldn't affect you if we think sin hurts you, or sends to hell. It's kinda lame to get upset when you don't even believe in the hell. So, instead of insulting, let people believe what they believe. Some think that the clouds are a god. So? Some think layers of heaven exist. And?

This is my rant. I'm so sick of looking at the media and people point the finger at one group. It is so rude and frustrating, as I am a part of this group you bash. I am part of the one church, ruled by the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

If you don't like it, tough.
Read above if you need a recap.

(Disclaimer: not directed at any individual or one group)

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I think I may have realized something.

So, I never really thought much of my emotion. Or rather, I thought too much when I was younger.

I locked it away (poorly) after a romantic relationship with a person failed my senior year of high school (pretty much the end of that). I'm not good at hiding emotion, by the way, so it wasn't very good. I fell into depression, angst and sadness.

My sophomore year, it got better, and I learned how to be myself and still feel. However, I kept the emotions away. I became a legitimate workaholic. I chose to not think of my problems. At the end of my sophomore year, I realized how destructive my actions were to my heart and mind, and I learned the true meaning of vulnerability.

During the summer, I had a short-term romantic relationship that crashed and burn, setting me back a few steps. It reminded me of what happened my senior year. But, I knew better this time. Not to close others off. I grew exponentially and learned that I could love and I could allow love, opening myself up, in essence being truly vulnerable. It was strange at first, to feel what I hadn't felt in a very long time. My heart grew a lot bigger than expected.

I realized today, that because I became vulnerable, God has done something amazing. I can feel what I haven't felt in years. If I get hurt, I'll be okay. Knowing I am vulnerable to a person, and allowing that has made me grateful. I can finally love again.

I am waiting, arms open.

I am not ashamed.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My heart and the fine wild nature of it!

So, we all know that the heart is a bit insane. I can honestly say mine is.

I did pass my recital hearing. That in itself was a blessing. Now, I'm onto phase two, getting my dress tailored (it's in process), and sending out invites. And ordering a huge cake.

Besides that. ..

I was talking to a friend for hours, worried about my heart and it's fragile nature. It has grown
stronger. I am rekindling relationships that were lost, and I am blowing on the coals of a few others, attempting to keep a few up.

But, I do have one insecurity that occasionally pops up to surprise me. And it's always when I sit down to think.

(the beach has many symbols of loneliness for me.)

It is loneliness. I never think about it. I'm continually going, working to be better, stronger, to get my degree, to help others in the process. But working distracts me from my heart's desire.

I want a companion. Not necessarily a romantic companion, but a best friend. I don't have a best friend per se. I have many very close friends. But I want that friend that is always there. I see it everywhere.
I can live without romanticism, if I have that best friend (a few are considered my best friends, but I mean the best friend). But I am lonely. Why?

Today, I woke up with a strange feeling at the pit of my stomach. I had a dream that I had a companion, it was not romantic. In the dream, the person was asexual. They were not a definite male or female. I had no romantic attraction, but I had a fierce loyalty and love for the person that I had every desire to be with them. At some point, the person was taken away and I felt empty.

(this is where my dream took place. It looked a lot like this redwood forest)

I woke up like that, and I knew it was something else. My own human instincts took the beauty and twisted into my insecurities. What about me drove people away? I knew others that were much more negative than me. It couldn't be that. I knew I wasn't that negative, as I grew out of that. The only thing that seemed to pop out at me was my old lifestyle. I use to struggle thoroughly with lust and a lot of it. I've worked hard to escape such a lifestyle.

So, I get on facebook like every other college student, to see if anyone messaged me. Maybe someone needed something?

I immediately get this IM from someone who pretty much messed with me this summer. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was the first person in two years I had emotionally opened up to and he did kinda spat in my face. Figuratively.

He was asking for something as trivial as a rope. Of course I HAD RANDOM ROPE LYING AROUND.

I, of course, respond confused. "No, why in the world would I have rope?"

"Well, I know you're into that sort of thing."

My jaw dropped a thousand miles. How dare this person, who didn't even bother to get to know me, and emotionally screw with me, say such a thing?! I was already in doubt of myself, and this had to be about the worst timing I had ever seen. I was engulfed in pure irritation.

I was half tempted to bike my way to where he lived and slap him. I'm not even kidding.

I did rationally say, "Don't think of me like that, I don't do things like that." But I was shaking out of anger. How dare he??

It only furthered my feeling of insecurity. Then, later I find out that I am not part of this party of people that I was hoping to be, because I wasn't "known longer." I didn't know friendship was based off of how long you knew someone? I thought it was an emotional connection.

My heart was in a wild state by the end of the day. I escaped to practice my instrument, write a lesson plan for advanced conducting, and work on a take home quiz for elementary music methods.

The more I work, the better I feel, but the heart is still at work.

I have an inkling of who that person is. It was God, I'm willing to bet. But I always desire for a companion, no matter how many times I try to deny it.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Update on life, amused/terrified/ecstatic.

It's been a while. A long while.

I am four days from my hearing. My hearing to my recital. I'm in the mix of feeling excited, yet terrified. My instructor makes it seem like the world will end if I don't play perfectly. My accompanist is encouraging saying that it's for my own protection and that the faculty only wants me to succeed and that small mistakes are okay. As a perfectionist, I notice the bad criticisms before good, and I tend to think that I stink, due to my instructor making me feel like I do. I'm the type that does better with positive reinforcement.
But yet. . . in midst of being terrified. . .
I am ecstatic. I get to play music. For people. God gave me this talent to even pick up an instrument, hear a pitch and play the notes. I get to glorify Him by playing my instrument. Best. Ministry. Ever. I get to show the music faculty what God has done and bathe in that adrenaline, losing myself in the sounds of beauty. I know I've done the right performance when I don't remember a thing. I only remember the first note, and last. And I feel like pure energy is shooting through my veins. I really think it's God, to be honest. As corny as that sounds.
But I am excited. And afraid.

On a different note, I no longer lash out at people. But my body physically pays for my suppression of emotion. These last few weeks alone, I've had 4 migraine-headaches, 5 apathetic days, and 1 anxiety attack. Most of this is caused by stress. I feel like this is better than having the department dislike me. :P

My love life is currently apathetic. Mainly because I have no time. I'm still praying for you, future spouse. But I know it'll be the right time when a male enters my life in a relationship standpoint.

I will update on the hearing and post pictures of stuff later.
What a crazy month.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ooo, well, another typing session.

So, it hasn't been easy, but I've been getting through the last month. Normally, I'm relaxing, thinking, "Oh, schools gonna start soon. Yay!" But instead, I am challenged by things like buying a new car and getting an apartment. It's pretty difficult. I don't remember adult life being so hard. . . maybe because I was a kid before.

I started meeting with a group on Mondays to help me with things. And there are many groups the Lord has blessed me with. It's been amazing!

The not so amazing things is my up coming recital and the whole money situation. I guess it's nothing new though. I'm use to stuff like this.

Emotionally, it has been pretty up and down. I've met some pretty amazing people, strangely online (don't judge me, it's not like I went to a chat room). They have been a blessing (even though they don't know it yet. :-3). And I have great roommates. But my thing is, is that I still haven't really gotten passed my pain in relationships as a child/adolescent, and so it's hindering me from a lot of growth. The Monday group is really helping me out with that, and a few people's guidance. It made me realize that if I were to marry, I would need to hold my Lord's hand and place my burdens on Him, while dealing with pain. Right now, I'm not so spectacular at that (good thing I know this). Future spouse, I am praying for you. Mostly cause I know I'm going to end up even more opinionated and fired up. Good thing, too, cause some people need that.

Anyway, I'm working hard and praying. It's life, I suppose.

Monday, June 13, 2011

My Past and My Changes

I put a lot of thought behind what I did and what the Lord told me a few weeks ago. My blog is about changing, and it's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm going to start with superficial things, just to get them out of the way.

I plan on working out, two times a day, once at six AM and another time at seven PM, to reduce my anxiety and stress level. I remember that I use to be super giddy when I did that, so why not? Also, in affect, I am not allowed to eat super sugary things: only three times a week. This is for my blood sugar health because of my pre-diabetes and heart issues (yes, I all ready have these problems. I'm like a freaking 45 year old). This is also because it's not doing me any good.

I also plan on getting my hair weaved and chopped. Not short, because I'm aiming for long hair, but I want a different look. I also plan on weaving my hair with red, because I think it's pretty. It will be subtle, because it needs to look natural. Along with this, I am going to touch up my tattoo, cause it needs it and I want the lines to fill in all the way. Just saying.

My change is also reaching to my heart. I plan and will be doing morning devotionals before I leave for work, because I haven't been spending the right time with the Lord. I've been in myself, and I realized it's because I think my value is in this world, and I need to get my head out of the sand and know my only value is in Christ and Him alone. He must be my number one.
This also means learning that since my value is in Christ, nothing else matters, and if I am to pursue anything or anyone, it must be for the glory of Christ. So far, I haven't thought of anything that is a distraction/doesn't give glory to Christ. In fact, someone actually helped me out. I had a lot, and still have a lot of regret. But this person has helped me start a new mindset of valuing Christ, and it's started with trust and restraint toward my old self. I must not succumb to what I use to do/be. It is a valuable experience, but I must live the life Christ placed in front of me. This means pursuing people, and my career as a teacher, as he commanded. My relationships are along with his command, and that gives me hope. This also means living for today.

I need help, folks. As easy as change is, it's actually a tough thing to get by. I need support, and most of all, mentorship and prayer. Because my life is a song, and a unique one, I will need help. You are part of my voice. Christ is number one, but I always need a support system.

If you are reading this, thank you for consideration. Thank you for your thoughts. Thank you for your prayers.

Monday, May 30, 2011

My Past Finally Caught Up With Me

This picture says a lot about me right now. I always thought I was invincible and that my decisions of what I did was a "no-regret" kind of thing. I never regretted what I did. I messed up, was proud, moved on, and continually messed up. That was until I was broken and came to Christ when I was 14. Then, I learned a new path of life. But I still had a lot of mistakes I made, of course, even after becoming saved. I suppressed them and figured "people will accept me or leave me alone." This is a great mentality . . . until you realize that your past has done more damage than good.

This is something I've been struggling with for the last few weeks. I start a thought on my past with "Why the hell did I [fill in with a stupid decision]." People, like my family, think I'm so accomplished, going to a Christian college, getting a degree, working at my music, fighting to be the best, blah blah blah. Little do they know, I'm continually haunted. Regret lives in my very being, tormenting me. I want so badly for people to see me as the redeemed woman I am in Christ. But when I tell them of my past, they judge me, see me as this dirty being because I am not "pure" like I should be. I feel like I am put in the box of shame, when I talk of my past. When I opened up to someone currently, they weren't sure how to look at me because of my past. It KILLS me to know that I am seen how I use to be.

So I prayed. I was in pain. Praying, calling out to my God, wanting to know how I could erase all of my disgusting marks from my soul, my spirit. Tonight, he answered me in my devotional. He said that my life was a song. That my song could only be sung by me, because of my experiences. That I should not regret but look to this as a lesson in life and a way to reach out to others. He said that my song was unique. I nearly burst into tears, because I didn't want this song. I wanted to be a song that was appealing to all ears, but I didn't realize that my song is appealing in its own way, reaching out to people that some songs couldn't reach out to. Some will not enjoy it. Some will. And because I strive to be this "wanted" song, I, in return, damaged myself, and poured suffering in my own life. This is the quote that got to me today:

"In the darkest night He is composing your song. In the valley He is tuning your voice. In the storm clouds He is deepening your range. In the rain showers He is sweetening your melody. In the cold He is giving your notes expression. And as you pass at times from hope to fear, He is perfecting the message of your lyrics."

Okay, I will admit I cried a bit after reading that. Then it hit me that my Father loves me. That my Lord really loved me and wanted the best. That my past was essential to serve him. That my mistakes are beautiful to serve Him.

I still have trouble thinking that way, but I was given hope tonight. My Lord gave me hope.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Something that has been hitting me lately.

Divorce is pretty horrible. Does anyone else notice the rising rates?
It pisses me off, to no bounds.
I was a child of two different divorces. My mother and father, obviously. And my father and first stepmother. Both of which destroyed me. The first one the most, but the second one still burned.
Here I am, watching the people around me destroy what God made for "happiness." When does the Bible speak of happiness, may I ask? There is joy of the Lord mentioned. BUT happiness is not among it.
Not only is this selfish, but this also kills the kids. No matter how much the child is smiling, it doesn't mean anything. Even now, I'm almost twenty years old, and I still feel the sting of the first divorce when I was nine freaking years old. I know my brother probably feels it too. My five year old brother, who is a child of my mother and stepfather, doesn't fully understand why me or my full blood brother, have a different dad. THIS doesn't sound like God's plan.
Now, after many years, I still feel that empty hollow pain and a part of me wishes my family was together.
I am pissed, because I have to see more lives ruined for the sake of happiness.
I am pissed, because this happens so frequently in America.
People use to be betrothed, and now, because laws are flexible, we can be selfish.
I will never divorce, I vow this right now.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Life as a rollercoaster in space!

I've been emotionally changing in the last two weeks. And learning a lot about myself and my surroundings.

This last week was the first full week of full time work I've ever done. Let me say, it is EXHAUSTING. I daresay almost as exhausting as working at a camp. Luckily, I'm getting paid 4X as much, but it's a constant go for 8 hours, whereas camp was broken up (I was a lifeguard). Cleaning that much has made me pickier, and at the same time, lazier with my own cleanliness. It's a strange situation. I also bought my first set of groceries ever, you know, without dependence on a school cafeteria. It's so strange to have it be so different. :P I enjoy the food I bought, because I've all ready started losing weight because the food I bought is MUCH healthier than the crap at the cafeteria at Fox.

My recital is going to be in November, so I'm about to kick it into gear for my instrument. I'm thinking 1 1/2 hours of practice a day should be pretty good. I sleep for 7-8 hours a night now, which has improved my health a lot, and I've also watched sugar intake, and eat every two hours. It's tough. But I want to be healthy and practice.

It's kinda lonely on campus, as everyone is gone. There are a few left, but it's still kinda sad. A lot of my friends are on juniors abroad, my future roomies, interest, all that jazz, but it's okay. They get back in less than three weeks, so I guess it could be worse. The girl in the picture with me is Vicky, and she's one of the roomies that is currently abroad. She's in New Zealand (<--I wish I could go to places like that!).

Anyway, there are a lot of things developing emotionally in me right now. For example, I haven't been truly vulnerable with someone in two years. It is frightening to do so. And it's looking like I'm going to be vulnerable for the first time in a while. I'm afraid because I feel so emotionally off and crazy, but in order to grow and love people, I need to be vulnerable. Putting my heart and emotions in someone's hands is unnerving. I just hope the Lord will help me through this process, because I thought I wasn't going to be vulnerable to this degree for the rest of my life, and I hardened my heart. Now to tear the layers of Michelle's protection and show the soft underside of the belly. The Father is the only one who can help me with this.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

End of Sophomore Year.

It's finally here: I am halfway through my college career. I'm not sure how to feel about it yet. I almost feel like this picture. The sun sets on this day (or in my case, school year), and the moon comes, bringing brand new ways of looking at things.

I'm going to list things so we know what is what.

I passed my upper division juries, so I'm planning on having a recital in the fall. Because of this, I now have card access to Ross, which is nice, so I can practice quite a bit alllll summer. My finals are over, so I feel super relieved. I wanted it to end as soon as possible.

I'm also about to start full time work over the summer on campus. EXCITING! So that's everything so far.

As summer started today, I've realized so much more about myself. I have someone on my mind a lot, and it has been a while since it has been like this. I'm pretty sure I haven't felt this much concern in a while. Or this much thought relationally. But anyway . . .

I am now an official junior.
I am still a clarinet player.
I am a worker.
I am still tired.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

My Brain is Full

Here is my instrument, ruling my life again. I really think they should make this video game. But it would be tricky, as you wouldn't want to share the same mouth piece. But then they could make sensors on the mouthpiece and keys on the instrument. . . yes I am this nerdy.

I have been practicing 2-3 hours a day for the last two weeks, because of complete underlying panic. This jury on monday is my level change. I feel if I didn't practice more than 2 hours a day, that I would fail. This is big, because if I don't pass, I'm going to have to drop my second major, and I don't want to do that. This is why music is tougher than people make it out to be. Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, because I'm so tired and confused.
It will all be okay. That's all I know.

So, I realized something today. I miss theatre. I really miss it. I miss being able to let go and become a completely different person, have fun, memorizing. I watched the acting 2 class today. It really made me miss it a lot. But I chose my instrument and I can't look back. I will always look back on it and smile. Maybe I should just be friends with more actors/actresses. :P I can live vicariously through them. And everyone knows that theatre boys are cute. ;)

I only have finals week left! That is exciting, then I move to an apartment or a house and I start full time work on campus as custodial!
All I have to get through is two tests and my jury. I hope I get it done and pass all of them.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Blue rose phase? I think yes.

I've been wondering what this phase is. My life phase. I feel like I've been through the "life story" phase. And so, I'm trying to come up with a catchy title and meaning. That's when I thought of blue roses.

I love blue roses. I actually love the rose, but blue represents a lot for me. Blue is the color of passion, compassion, and depth. This is that phase. And since I'm at an awkward romantic place, it makes sense.

Let me explain the romantic part really quick. I've been at a place where I've just wanted a romantic relationship, but yet, I don't. There are a lot of things I must learn, but I do desire it. Roses, to me, are very romantic and a blue rose means more than I can say. Plus they smell good. But back to the serious bit. I mean, if the right person comes into my life, I'm not going to say no. It really also depends on the context. So, this is my awkward phase. I also have a desire to cuddle a lot. It ruins my groove, because I find most people don't want to cuddle at random.

My emotions came back a few days ago (I know this sounds really lame, but it's true). It was a flood, and I realized that it was due to stress. I just shut down. So now that I feel again, I am back to thinking about my future.

Juries are frightening. This spring concert is frightening. My instructor is frightening. Ehhh . . .

I'm super excited for next year. I got off campus housing, which is normally difficult for me as a junior, but I managed (personally, I think it's because of the overload of freshmen and not enough beds). I also have an on campus job over the summer, and so I feel very blessed. The off campus stuff is completely new, so I'm super excited. I also get to spend time with a lot of people that aren't in my major, who are staying on campus as well and it's a great opportunity. On top of it all, I plan on joining a community choir and Newberg's community band as a trumpet player (yes, I am well aware that I am a clarinet player).

So here's the update. I have a lot to do.
Oh, and I'm still listening to Rammstein like it's no one's business. Just saying.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

This last week has been difficult.

This week has been very difficult for me. In fact, it's been one of the hardest. Juries are in three weeks time, I feel very lost with that.
There is pressure on me about the spring concert, because of the big piece in band. I wasn't worried about the Requiem part, until Pat said something about Loren being worried. And so now, of course, I'm worried. The only escape I've had is play D&D Friday with my boys and twin (I call her that, she's not really, we're just really freaking similar) and the writers group on Saturday. I have no escape. I feel like the weight of the semester is on my shoulders.
So, on top of all this, I've gone numb. Emotionally numb. I didn't even know this was possible. I really don't feel anything. At all. The only thing that gets me remotely close to feeling anything is listening to Rammstein. I think it's the music itself (they don't use basic chords) and the darkness to it. Don't worry, folks, I'm not going emo anytime soon. It's mostly the singer's voice, too, because it's so pure and beautiful. Haha. I honestly think its the stress behind everything, and my mind is in defensive mechanism. So, I am planning on going to the counseling center, to see what is going on with me. Maybe it's just a stress thing, I don't know. I hope everything starts getting better.
All I need at this point is interaction with people.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Oh, the irony.

It is so easy to get distracted, especially at a time like this. I want so badly to be better than average in my schooling. But right now, I am so mentally drained, I don't know if I have the gumption to continue onward. My instrument has taken all time, I'm paying dearly for even getting online. I have papers to write, tests to study for, homework to complete, chapters to read, and, yet, I have no ability to get up and do any of it.

This is what I like to call, end of the school year syndrome. It is ironic, because, how can one succeed if the effort is not being put out? I'm done with living with people, with working on things. I think I'm ready to get away and be by myself for a few weeks, which, hopefully I will, because I will (HOPEFULLY) be on campus, working full time. This is a bleh moment.

In other news, I think a change in me is going to be happening soon. I've been trying to understand what the meaning of lonely really means. Obviously it is different than being alone. But loneliness, for me, has been the lack of people in my life. Strangely enough, I never talk about it too much. You think I would. But people feeling bad is not on my agenda, I just want to be around people. The issue is, I find that vulnerability must be along side me in order to fend off loneliness, but that means I need to be completely vulnerable, which allows a large amount of possible pain. But this change is going to be happening soon. I can feel it.

Now, to recognize the end to this day, I will be working out with a friend. Good day.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Flower Candles

It's an interesting feeling staring at this flower candle. Yes this is a candle. I'm a romantic, as people know. This is so beautiful, and I had an interesting thought, provoked by Demetri Martin. Aren't flowers really threatening? It was suppose to be a joke, but I picked this joke apart today, out of my mind needing something to do. Demetri said: "Why are flowers meant to be a compliment? I would take them as a threat. Have some flowers, now watch them die. You're next." I really was fascinated by this. Then I thought of romantic abilities of candles. It was really cool that this confirmed the romantic attachment of flowers and candles.
I don't know why I thought of this. But, it is beautiful.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Time for an update. . .

This picture to the left is saying a lot about my mind now. My Clarinet has become my life and my passion. Everyday I wonder how much I will practice to get closer to the upper division level I need to be at in a month. How frightening that this test is coming up very soon. Since my instructor is insane, I'm going to have to step it up a notch and become doubly insane. . . but I'm not sure how this logic is going to help me in the long run . . . For now, at this moment, I'm going to eat this cadbury egg at two o'clock in the morning and be happy.

I am worried about quite a few things actually. The Lord put it on my heart to become a teacher, and I'm taking the music route. Honestly, there is no time left when one becomes a teacher. Especially a high school band director (what I'm striving to become). This has lead me to a few concerns.
I am a hopeless romantic. To the point of hopelessness. Yes that much hopelessnessess. Anyway, the more I think about my career, the more I realize how much I probably won't marry. But I so badly want to. What do I do with this? My heart tugs. I want a career. I want this opportunity to minister to older kids through music, and yet I still have this desire nagging at me? My clarinet and music has become everything, yet I still think of the embrace of a man, when I have the embrace of God and music? I am constantly confused.

This spring break, especially has been a challenge. I notice a lot of people are engaged, and even getting married within a year, and these are people my age. Why am I stuck in "unattractive" zone. I am not sure what it is due to, like maybe baggage, or appearances. It is bothersome to me, not because I want a man's approval, but I'm wondering if I am wasting my time, looking "cute" that day. Or maybe I should just wear sweats. I am honestly tired of the "he will see you for you" speech. In my opinion, if this man did and he exists now, why doesn't he say anything?

Oh dear, I shouldn't be up til 2 in the morning.

Anywho . . .

I have more guy friends than girls. I love all my friends. The thing is, I'm an affectionate woman by nature, with everyone. My guy friends tend to think, "oh no, if I show any affection at all, she will develop feelings for me." This is when I feel like cracking skulls, then putting the skulls back together because I feel bad. So not only am I struggling with my thoughts of career and romantic relationships, I am also getting no affection at all, and it's stabbing me on the insides. I feel as if I give 100% into relationships with all friends and I get 20% back, whether it be friends who just don't include me, or guy friends who just can't hug me like a real person (when they do the awkward side hug that makes me want to puke or maybe that ridiculous, "two inch" rule with three pats. Dear God.). I am ranting about a slightly ridiculous subject, but it's something that's been on my mind since this year started.

There has been a super positive note though. I'm going to Israel for junior's abroad next year! I'm very stoked. That is one thing I am looking forward to.
So Clarinet, job, friends, men, and man-friends, have been on my mind. And the super fun trips! :D

I only hope it will at least clear up sometime. O.o