Sunday, October 9, 2011

My heart and the fine wild nature of it!

So, we all know that the heart is a bit insane. I can honestly say mine is.

I did pass my recital hearing. That in itself was a blessing. Now, I'm onto phase two, getting my dress tailored (it's in process), and sending out invites. And ordering a huge cake.

Besides that. ..

I was talking to a friend for hours, worried about my heart and it's fragile nature. It has grown
stronger. I am rekindling relationships that were lost, and I am blowing on the coals of a few others, attempting to keep a few up.

But, I do have one insecurity that occasionally pops up to surprise me. And it's always when I sit down to think.

(the beach has many symbols of loneliness for me.)

It is loneliness. I never think about it. I'm continually going, working to be better, stronger, to get my degree, to help others in the process. But working distracts me from my heart's desire.

I want a companion. Not necessarily a romantic companion, but a best friend. I don't have a best friend per se. I have many very close friends. But I want that friend that is always there. I see it everywhere.
I can live without romanticism, if I have that best friend (a few are considered my best friends, but I mean the best friend). But I am lonely. Why?

Today, I woke up with a strange feeling at the pit of my stomach. I had a dream that I had a companion, it was not romantic. In the dream, the person was asexual. They were not a definite male or female. I had no romantic attraction, but I had a fierce loyalty and love for the person that I had every desire to be with them. At some point, the person was taken away and I felt empty.

(this is where my dream took place. It looked a lot like this redwood forest)

I woke up like that, and I knew it was something else. My own human instincts took the beauty and twisted into my insecurities. What about me drove people away? I knew others that were much more negative than me. It couldn't be that. I knew I wasn't that negative, as I grew out of that. The only thing that seemed to pop out at me was my old lifestyle. I use to struggle thoroughly with lust and a lot of it. I've worked hard to escape such a lifestyle.

So, I get on facebook like every other college student, to see if anyone messaged me. Maybe someone needed something?

I immediately get this IM from someone who pretty much messed with me this summer. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was the first person in two years I had emotionally opened up to and he did kinda spat in my face. Figuratively.

He was asking for something as trivial as a rope. Of course I HAD RANDOM ROPE LYING AROUND.

I, of course, respond confused. "No, why in the world would I have rope?"

"Well, I know you're into that sort of thing."

My jaw dropped a thousand miles. How dare this person, who didn't even bother to get to know me, and emotionally screw with me, say such a thing?! I was already in doubt of myself, and this had to be about the worst timing I had ever seen. I was engulfed in pure irritation.

I was half tempted to bike my way to where he lived and slap him. I'm not even kidding.

I did rationally say, "Don't think of me like that, I don't do things like that." But I was shaking out of anger. How dare he??

It only furthered my feeling of insecurity. Then, later I find out that I am not part of this party of people that I was hoping to be, because I wasn't "known longer." I didn't know friendship was based off of how long you knew someone? I thought it was an emotional connection.

My heart was in a wild state by the end of the day. I escaped to practice my instrument, write a lesson plan for advanced conducting, and work on a take home quiz for elementary music methods.

The more I work, the better I feel, but the heart is still at work.

I have an inkling of who that person is. It was God, I'm willing to bet. But I always desire for a companion, no matter how many times I try to deny it.

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