It's been a while. A long while.
I am four days from my hearing. My hearing to my recital. I'm in the mix of feeling excited, yet terrified. My instructor makes it seem like the world will end if I don't play perfectly. My accompanist is encouraging saying that it's for my own protection and that the faculty only wants me to succeed and that small mistakes are okay. As a perfectionist, I notice the bad criticisms before good, and I tend to think that I stink, due to my instructor making me feel like I do. I'm the type that does better with positive reinforcement.
But yet. . . in midst of being terrified. . . I am ecstatic. I get to play music. For people. God gave me this talent to even pick up an instrument, hear a pitch and play the notes. I get to glorify Him by playing my instrument. Best. Ministry. Ever. I get to show the music faculty what God has done and bathe in that adrenaline, losing myself in the sounds of beauty. I know I've done the right performance when I don't remember a thing. I only remember the first note, and last. And I feel like pure energy is shooting through my veins. I really think it's God, to be honest. As corny as that sounds.
But I am excited. And afraid.
On a different note, I no longer lash out at people. But my body physically pays for my suppression of emotion. These last few weeks alone, I've had 4 migraine-headaches, 5 apathetic days, and 1 anxiety attack. Most of this is caused by stress. I feel like this is better than having the department dislike me. :P
My love life is currently apathetic. Mainly because I have no time. I'm still praying for you, future spouse. But I know it'll be the right time when a male enters my life in a relationship standpoint.
I will update on the hearing and post pictures of stuff later.
What a crazy month.
Lovely Michelle,
ReplyDeleteIn the coming weeks and years, God will change you in many beautiful ways. This journey will be hard. I see the journey He took me through at GF in a much different light now. As someone who has suffered from migraines and anxiety attacks, I found that I needed to find the right "medicine" for me. It's different for everyone and at different times. The best advice I can give is to make sure you take some time for you every day, to take care of yourself. Although you are a perfectionist (as am I), you have to let yourself let go sometimes and give in to some time that's just for you to de-stress and rejuvenate yourself. You won't go very far if you don't.
As far as recitals, I've been there. Listen to Barbara. She is wise beyond her years. She was like a therapist as well as an accompanist and a performance coach as I prepared for my recitals and during my oboe recital, she was the one I counted on most to keep me pumped throughout the performance. Let her support ring through. Private instructors have a lot of pressures riding on them and don't always realize that their criticisms (meant to motivate) are taken all too literally by perfectionists and don't always serve their purpose. Let yourself really enjoy your recital process and let God transform you as a musician and a human being through it.