End of Sophomore Year.

It's finally here: I am halfway through my college career. I'm not sure how to feel about it yet. I almost feel like this picture. The sun sets on this day (or in my case, school year), and the moon comes, bringing brand new ways of looking at things.

I'm going to list things so we know what is what.

I passed my upper division juries, so I'm planning on having a recital in the fall. Because of this, I now have card access to Ross, which is nice, so I can practice quite a bit alllll summer. My finals are over, so I feel super relieved. I wanted it to end as soon as possible.

I'm also about to start full time work over the summer on campus. EXCITING! So that's everything so far.

As summer started today, I've realized so much more about myself. I have someone on my mind a lot, and it has been a while since it has been like this. I'm pretty sure I haven't felt this much concern in a while. Or this much thought relationally. But anyway . . .

I am now an official junior.

I am still a clarinet player.

I am a worker.

I am still tired.

:)

My Brain is Full

Here is my instrument, ruling my life again. I really think they should make this video game. But it would be tricky, as you wouldn't want to share the same mouth piece. But then they could make sensors on the mouthpiece and keys on the instrument. . . yes I am this nerdy.

I have been practicing 2-3 hours a day for the last two weeks, because of complete underlying panic. This jury on monday is my level change. I feel if I didn't practice more than 2 hours a day, that I would fail. This is big, because if I don't pass, I'm going to have to drop my second major, and I don't want to do that. This is why music is tougher than people make it out to be. Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, because I'm so tired and confused.
It will all be okay. That's all I know.

So, I realized something today. I miss theatre. I really miss it. I miss being able to let go and become a completely different person, have fun, memorizing. I watched the acting 2 class today. It really made me miss it a lot. But I chose my instrument and I can't look back. I will always look back on it and smile. Maybe I should just be friends with more actors/actresses. :P I can live vicariously through them. And everyone knows that theatre boys are cute. ;)

I only have finals week left! That is exciting, then I move to an apartment or a house and I start full time work on campus as custodial!
All I have to get through is two tests and my jury. I hope I get it done and pass all of them.

Blue rose phase? I think yes.

I've been wondering what this phase is. My life phase. I feel like I've been through the "life story" phase. And so, I'm trying to come up with a catchy title and meaning. That's when I thought of blue roses.

I love blue roses. I actually love the rose, but blue represents a lot for me. Blue is the color of passion, compassion, and depth. This is that phase. And since I'm at an awkward romantic place, it makes sense.

Let me explain the romantic part really quick. I've been at a place where I've just wanted a romantic relationship, but yet, I don't. There are a lot of things I must learn, but I do desire it. Roses, to me, are very romantic and a blue rose means more than I can say. Plus they smell good. But back to the serious bit. I mean, if the right person comes into my life, I'm not going to say no. It really also depends on the context. So, this is my awkward phase. I also have a desire to cuddle a lot. It ruins my groove, because I find most people don't want to cuddle at random.

My emotions came back a few days ago (I know this sounds really lame, but it's true). It was a flood, and I realized that it was due to stress. I just shut down. So now that I feel again, I am back to thinking about my future.

Juries are frightening. This spring concert is frightening. My instructor is frightening. Ehhh . . .

I'm super excited for next year. I got off campus housing, which is normally difficult for me as a junior, but I managed (personally, I think it's because of the overload of freshmen and not enough beds). I also have an on campus job over the summer, and so I feel very blessed. The off campus stuff is completely new, so I'm super excited. I also get to spend time with a lot of people that aren't in my major, who are staying on campus as well and it's a great opportunity. On top of it all, I plan on joining a community choir and Newberg's community band as a trumpet player (yes, I am well aware that I am a clarinet player).

So here's the update. I have a lot to do.
Oh, and I'm still listening to Rammstein like it's no one's business. Just saying.

This last week has been difficult.

This week has been very difficult for me. In fact, it's been one of the hardest. Juries are in three weeks time, I feel very lost with that.
There is pressure on me about the spring concert, because of the big piece in band. I wasn't worried about the Requiem part, until Pat said something about Loren being worried. And so now, of course, I'm worried. The only escape I've had is play D&D Friday with my boys and twin (I call her that, she's not really, we're just really freaking similar) and the writers group on Saturday. I have no escape. I feel like the weight of the semester is on my shoulders.
So, on top of all this, I've gone numb. Emotionally numb. I didn't even know this was possible. I really don't feel anything. At all. The only thing that gets me remotely close to feeling anything is listening to Rammstein. I think it's the music itself (they don't use basic chords) and the darkness to it. Don't worry, folks, I'm not going emo anytime soon. It's mostly the singer's voice, too, because it's so pure and beautiful. Haha. I honestly think its the stress behind everything, and my mind is in defensive mechanism. So, I am planning on going to the counseling center, to see what is going on with me. Maybe it's just a stress thing, I don't know. I hope everything starts getting better.
All I need at this point is interaction with people.