Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Oh, the irony.

It is so easy to get distracted, especially at a time like this. I want so badly to be better than average in my schooling. But right now, I am so mentally drained, I don't know if I have the gumption to continue onward. My instrument has taken all time, I'm paying dearly for even getting online. I have papers to write, tests to study for, homework to complete, chapters to read, and, yet, I have no ability to get up and do any of it.

This is what I like to call, end of the school year syndrome. It is ironic, because, how can one succeed if the effort is not being put out? I'm done with living with people, with working on things. I think I'm ready to get away and be by myself for a few weeks, which, hopefully I will, because I will (HOPEFULLY) be on campus, working full time. This is a bleh moment.

In other news, I think a change in me is going to be happening soon. I've been trying to understand what the meaning of lonely really means. Obviously it is different than being alone. But loneliness, for me, has been the lack of people in my life. Strangely enough, I never talk about it too much. You think I would. But people feeling bad is not on my agenda, I just want to be around people. The issue is, I find that vulnerability must be along side me in order to fend off loneliness, but that means I need to be completely vulnerable, which allows a large amount of possible pain. But this change is going to be happening soon. I can feel it.

Now, to recognize the end to this day, I will be working out with a friend. Good day.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Flower Candles

It's an interesting feeling staring at this flower candle. Yes this is a candle. I'm a romantic, as people know. This is so beautiful, and I had an interesting thought, provoked by Demetri Martin. Aren't flowers really threatening? It was suppose to be a joke, but I picked this joke apart today, out of my mind needing something to do. Demetri said: "Why are flowers meant to be a compliment? I would take them as a threat. Have some flowers, now watch them die. You're next." I really was fascinated by this. Then I thought of romantic abilities of candles. It was really cool that this confirmed the romantic attachment of flowers and candles.
I don't know why I thought of this. But, it is beautiful.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Time for an update. . .

This picture to the left is saying a lot about my mind now. My Clarinet has become my life and my passion. Everyday I wonder how much I will practice to get closer to the upper division level I need to be at in a month. How frightening that this test is coming up very soon. Since my instructor is insane, I'm going to have to step it up a notch and become doubly insane. . . but I'm not sure how this logic is going to help me in the long run . . . For now, at this moment, I'm going to eat this cadbury egg at two o'clock in the morning and be happy.

I am worried about quite a few things actually. The Lord put it on my heart to become a teacher, and I'm taking the music route. Honestly, there is no time left when one becomes a teacher. Especially a high school band director (what I'm striving to become). This has lead me to a few concerns.
I am a hopeless romantic. To the point of hopelessness. Yes that much hopelessnessess. Anyway, the more I think about my career, the more I realize how much I probably won't marry. But I so badly want to. What do I do with this? My heart tugs. I want a career. I want this opportunity to minister to older kids through music, and yet I still have this desire nagging at me? My clarinet and music has become everything, yet I still think of the embrace of a man, when I have the embrace of God and music? I am constantly confused.

This spring break, especially has been a challenge. I notice a lot of people are engaged, and even getting married within a year, and these are people my age. Why am I stuck in "unattractive" zone. I am not sure what it is due to, like maybe baggage, or appearances. It is bothersome to me, not because I want a man's approval, but I'm wondering if I am wasting my time, looking "cute" that day. Or maybe I should just wear sweats. I am honestly tired of the "he will see you for you" speech. In my opinion, if this man did and he exists now, why doesn't he say anything?

Oh dear, I shouldn't be up til 2 in the morning.

Anywho . . .

I have more guy friends than girls. I love all my friends. The thing is, I'm an affectionate woman by nature, with everyone. My guy friends tend to think, "oh no, if I show any affection at all, she will develop feelings for me." This is when I feel like cracking skulls, then putting the skulls back together because I feel bad. So not only am I struggling with my thoughts of career and romantic relationships, I am also getting no affection at all, and it's stabbing me on the insides. I feel as if I give 100% into relationships with all friends and I get 20% back, whether it be friends who just don't include me, or guy friends who just can't hug me like a real person (when they do the awkward side hug that makes me want to puke or maybe that ridiculous, "two inch" rule with three pats. Dear God.). I am ranting about a slightly ridiculous subject, but it's something that's been on my mind since this year started.

There has been a super positive note though. I'm going to Israel for junior's abroad next year! I'm very stoked. That is one thing I am looking forward to.
So Clarinet, job, friends, men, and man-friends, have been on my mind. And the super fun trips! :D

I only hope it will at least clear up sometime. O.o