Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Time for an update. . .

This picture to the left is saying a lot about my mind now. My Clarinet has become my life and my passion. Everyday I wonder how much I will practice to get closer to the upper division level I need to be at in a month. How frightening that this test is coming up very soon. Since my instructor is insane, I'm going to have to step it up a notch and become doubly insane. . . but I'm not sure how this logic is going to help me in the long run . . . For now, at this moment, I'm going to eat this cadbury egg at two o'clock in the morning and be happy.

I am worried about quite a few things actually. The Lord put it on my heart to become a teacher, and I'm taking the music route. Honestly, there is no time left when one becomes a teacher. Especially a high school band director (what I'm striving to become). This has lead me to a few concerns.
I am a hopeless romantic. To the point of hopelessness. Yes that much hopelessnessess. Anyway, the more I think about my career, the more I realize how much I probably won't marry. But I so badly want to. What do I do with this? My heart tugs. I want a career. I want this opportunity to minister to older kids through music, and yet I still have this desire nagging at me? My clarinet and music has become everything, yet I still think of the embrace of a man, when I have the embrace of God and music? I am constantly confused.

This spring break, especially has been a challenge. I notice a lot of people are engaged, and even getting married within a year, and these are people my age. Why am I stuck in "unattractive" zone. I am not sure what it is due to, like maybe baggage, or appearances. It is bothersome to me, not because I want a man's approval, but I'm wondering if I am wasting my time, looking "cute" that day. Or maybe I should just wear sweats. I am honestly tired of the "he will see you for you" speech. In my opinion, if this man did and he exists now, why doesn't he say anything?

Oh dear, I shouldn't be up til 2 in the morning.

Anywho . . .

I have more guy friends than girls. I love all my friends. The thing is, I'm an affectionate woman by nature, with everyone. My guy friends tend to think, "oh no, if I show any affection at all, she will develop feelings for me." This is when I feel like cracking skulls, then putting the skulls back together because I feel bad. So not only am I struggling with my thoughts of career and romantic relationships, I am also getting no affection at all, and it's stabbing me on the insides. I feel as if I give 100% into relationships with all friends and I get 20% back, whether it be friends who just don't include me, or guy friends who just can't hug me like a real person (when they do the awkward side hug that makes me want to puke or maybe that ridiculous, "two inch" rule with three pats. Dear God.). I am ranting about a slightly ridiculous subject, but it's something that's been on my mind since this year started.

There has been a super positive note though. I'm going to Israel for junior's abroad next year! I'm very stoked. That is one thing I am looking forward to.
So Clarinet, job, friends, men, and man-friends, have been on my mind. And the super fun trips! :D

I only hope it will at least clear up sometime. O.o

1 comment:

  1. I have so much I want to say right now. But for now, I'll leave it at this. I understand exactly how you feel. and I am in the exact same boat.