Sunday, October 23, 2011

I think I may have realized something.

So, I never really thought much of my emotion. Or rather, I thought too much when I was younger.

I locked it away (poorly) after a romantic relationship with a person failed my senior year of high school (pretty much the end of that). I'm not good at hiding emotion, by the way, so it wasn't very good. I fell into depression, angst and sadness.

My sophomore year, it got better, and I learned how to be myself and still feel. However, I kept the emotions away. I became a legitimate workaholic. I chose to not think of my problems. At the end of my sophomore year, I realized how destructive my actions were to my heart and mind, and I learned the true meaning of vulnerability.

During the summer, I had a short-term romantic relationship that crashed and burn, setting me back a few steps. It reminded me of what happened my senior year. But, I knew better this time. Not to close others off. I grew exponentially and learned that I could love and I could allow love, opening myself up, in essence being truly vulnerable. It was strange at first, to feel what I hadn't felt in a very long time. My heart grew a lot bigger than expected.

I realized today, that because I became vulnerable, God has done something amazing. I can feel what I haven't felt in years. If I get hurt, I'll be okay. Knowing I am vulnerable to a person, and allowing that has made me grateful. I can finally love again.

I am waiting, arms open.

I am not ashamed.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My heart and the fine wild nature of it!

So, we all know that the heart is a bit insane. I can honestly say mine is.

I did pass my recital hearing. That in itself was a blessing. Now, I'm onto phase two, getting my dress tailored (it's in process), and sending out invites. And ordering a huge cake.

Besides that. ..

I was talking to a friend for hours, worried about my heart and it's fragile nature. It has grown
stronger. I am rekindling relationships that were lost, and I am blowing on the coals of a few others, attempting to keep a few up.

But, I do have one insecurity that occasionally pops up to surprise me. And it's always when I sit down to think.

(the beach has many symbols of loneliness for me.)

It is loneliness. I never think about it. I'm continually going, working to be better, stronger, to get my degree, to help others in the process. But working distracts me from my heart's desire.

I want a companion. Not necessarily a romantic companion, but a best friend. I don't have a best friend per se. I have many very close friends. But I want that friend that is always there. I see it everywhere.
I can live without romanticism, if I have that best friend (a few are considered my best friends, but I mean the best friend). But I am lonely. Why?

Today, I woke up with a strange feeling at the pit of my stomach. I had a dream that I had a companion, it was not romantic. In the dream, the person was asexual. They were not a definite male or female. I had no romantic attraction, but I had a fierce loyalty and love for the person that I had every desire to be with them. At some point, the person was taken away and I felt empty.

(this is where my dream took place. It looked a lot like this redwood forest)

I woke up like that, and I knew it was something else. My own human instincts took the beauty and twisted into my insecurities. What about me drove people away? I knew others that were much more negative than me. It couldn't be that. I knew I wasn't that negative, as I grew out of that. The only thing that seemed to pop out at me was my old lifestyle. I use to struggle thoroughly with lust and a lot of it. I've worked hard to escape such a lifestyle.

So, I get on facebook like every other college student, to see if anyone messaged me. Maybe someone needed something?

I immediately get this IM from someone who pretty much messed with me this summer. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was the first person in two years I had emotionally opened up to and he did kinda spat in my face. Figuratively.

He was asking for something as trivial as a rope. Of course I HAD RANDOM ROPE LYING AROUND.

I, of course, respond confused. "No, why in the world would I have rope?"

"Well, I know you're into that sort of thing."

My jaw dropped a thousand miles. How dare this person, who didn't even bother to get to know me, and emotionally screw with me, say such a thing?! I was already in doubt of myself, and this had to be about the worst timing I had ever seen. I was engulfed in pure irritation.

I was half tempted to bike my way to where he lived and slap him. I'm not even kidding.

I did rationally say, "Don't think of me like that, I don't do things like that." But I was shaking out of anger. How dare he??

It only furthered my feeling of insecurity. Then, later I find out that I am not part of this party of people that I was hoping to be, because I wasn't "known longer." I didn't know friendship was based off of how long you knew someone? I thought it was an emotional connection.

My heart was in a wild state by the end of the day. I escaped to practice my instrument, write a lesson plan for advanced conducting, and work on a take home quiz for elementary music methods.

The more I work, the better I feel, but the heart is still at work.

I have an inkling of who that person is. It was God, I'm willing to bet. But I always desire for a companion, no matter how many times I try to deny it.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Update on life, amused/terrified/ecstatic.

It's been a while. A long while.

I am four days from my hearing. My hearing to my recital. I'm in the mix of feeling excited, yet terrified. My instructor makes it seem like the world will end if I don't play perfectly. My accompanist is encouraging saying that it's for my own protection and that the faculty only wants me to succeed and that small mistakes are okay. As a perfectionist, I notice the bad criticisms before good, and I tend to think that I stink, due to my instructor making me feel like I do. I'm the type that does better with positive reinforcement.
But yet. . . in midst of being terrified. . .
I am ecstatic. I get to play music. For people. God gave me this talent to even pick up an instrument, hear a pitch and play the notes. I get to glorify Him by playing my instrument. Best. Ministry. Ever. I get to show the music faculty what God has done and bathe in that adrenaline, losing myself in the sounds of beauty. I know I've done the right performance when I don't remember a thing. I only remember the first note, and last. And I feel like pure energy is shooting through my veins. I really think it's God, to be honest. As corny as that sounds.
But I am excited. And afraid.

On a different note, I no longer lash out at people. But my body physically pays for my suppression of emotion. These last few weeks alone, I've had 4 migraine-headaches, 5 apathetic days, and 1 anxiety attack. Most of this is caused by stress. I feel like this is better than having the department dislike me. :P

My love life is currently apathetic. Mainly because I have no time. I'm still praying for you, future spouse. But I know it'll be the right time when a male enters my life in a relationship standpoint.

I will update on the hearing and post pictures of stuff later.
What a crazy month.