Monday, May 30, 2011
My Past Finally Caught Up With Me
This picture says a lot about me right now. I always thought I was invincible and that my decisions of what I did was a "no-regret" kind of thing. I never regretted what I did. I messed up, was proud, moved on, and continually messed up. That was until I was broken and came to Christ when I was 14. Then, I learned a new path of life. But I still had a lot of mistakes I made, of course, even after becoming saved. I suppressed them and figured "people will accept me or leave me alone." This is a great mentality . . . until you realize that your past has done more damage than good.
This is something I've been struggling with for the last few weeks. I start a thought on my past with "Why the hell did I [fill in with a stupid decision]." People, like my family, think I'm so accomplished, going to a Christian college, getting a degree, working at my music, fighting to be the best, blah blah blah. Little do they know, I'm continually haunted. Regret lives in my very being, tormenting me. I want so badly for people to see me as the redeemed woman I am in Christ. But when I tell them of my past, they judge me, see me as this dirty being because I am not "pure" like I should be. I feel like I am put in the box of shame, when I talk of my past. When I opened up to someone currently, they weren't sure how to look at me because of my past. It KILLS me to know that I am seen how I use to be.
So I prayed. I was in pain. Praying, calling out to my God, wanting to know how I could erase all of my disgusting marks from my soul, my spirit. Tonight, he answered me in my devotional. He said that my life was a song. That my song could only be sung by me, because of my experiences. That I should not regret but look to this as a lesson in life and a way to reach out to others. He said that my song was unique. I nearly burst into tears, because I didn't want this song. I wanted to be a song that was appealing to all ears, but I didn't realize that my song is appealing in its own way, reaching out to people that some songs couldn't reach out to. Some will not enjoy it. Some will. And because I strive to be this "wanted" song, I, in return, damaged myself, and poured suffering in my own life. This is the quote that got to me today:
"In the darkest night He is composing your song. In the valley He is tuning your voice. In the storm clouds He is deepening your range. In the rain showers He is sweetening your melody. In the cold He is giving your notes expression. And as you pass at times from hope to fear, He is perfecting the message of your lyrics."
Okay, I will admit I cried a bit after reading that. Then it hit me that my Father loves me. That my Lord really loved me and wanted the best. That my past was essential to serve him. That my mistakes are beautiful to serve Him.
I still have trouble thinking that way, but I was given hope tonight. My Lord gave me hope.