Tuesday, August 4, 2015


In just two days is the estimated day for a huge arrival. The biggest of my life.

Not my career. Not a new instrument.
But my first child. My son, Adam Zachary. He may get here earlier, may get here later. But it's his estimate.

I have many mixed emotions. The first is: I'M ABOUT TO PUSH A WATERMELON OUT OF MY WOMAN PARTS. That is pretty terrifying. I've heard many horror stories. No, I am not going to get an epidural. This is my reason: I don't want an IV or catheter, and I don't want a large needle being inserted in my back (and if they miss, you could have a headache or backache for weeks). I don't want to be tied to a bed on my back. Not knocking on anyone who has gotten it. I just don't want it. But I am scared to do it. Delivery is an unknown, and many women say it is the worst pain ever.

Second: I'm about to be responsible for a human. A human I have to raise and keep safe. I feel like I barely keep myself safe. Now I think about how big my cars are, how much food I have in the fridge (instead of how much I can live off of for a week with my husband and break a record), how much room my house has, safety of my house, items for his well being, parenting skills... the list goes on and on. And ON. I can't help but be filled with anxiety. Jonathan is the most level headed person I've met. He has no worry, and seems to have it together. I feel like my head is going to explode.

Third: I could go into active labor at ANY TIME. That doesn't help with my anxiety. I've been in early labor for days. Weak contractions that don't do a thing, little things here and there. My OB says wait until I can't talk through contractions, which actually happens! But they get weaker, and are eventually back to the annoyingly uncomfortable state. I would welcome a water break, because then I would know for sure that labor is starting. But that only happens in 10-15% of women. Most need their water broken for them.

Much of my day is cleaning, waiting, doctors appointments, walking, and trying not to be uncomfortable. I'm large enough I waddle, and what is crazy is knowing I'm carrying a 7-8lb kid in my abdomen. That is shocking.

I know this sounds crazy, but amidst this, I am pretty excited. I get to meet one of the most important people that will ever be in my life. I get to care for a child that is half me, half Jonathan and a whole new person. Our family is starting to grow, and that is pretty awesome.

I'd say this is the biggest change of all coming up.

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