Thursday, December 19, 2013

A price to pay from the younger years.

I've had a lot of alone time lately.

This isn't bad! Not at all: I'm just preparing for boot camp and mentally gaining my ground. You see, I'm now temporarily unemployed until I leave. I chose to quit a month in advanced.
Now, I leave in 18 days: 2 1/2 weeks. It beats down on me like the summer sun. I'm excited, yet frightened. I workout 3 times a day to prepare myself for it, to bring myself down to ship weight (I'm always on that pesky line of being "overweight"--I'm only 4lbs off from ship weight). I eat well and I'm careful about carb and sugar intake. I watch the excessive fatty food.

One thing that has really been smacking me in the face is people (figuratively, of course).

What happened with that one friend? Or why did I stop talking to that one person? Why did we suddenly stop connecting? Was it a past thing? I was pretty crazy in my late high school, early college years. Did people think I would never change? What had I said?

What's worse is that I don't really remember much from my freshman or sophomore year from college except Jason (we walked on the track every morning for months and played games), and I still have a lot of spotty memories.

AND that's what hit me: I was so focused on myself in the past that now, the me who wants to know everyone, is missing out. Now that I'm leaving the state, I will no longer have the opportunity to go to the movies, to go out to eat with that person, or to talk about random crap. The me who could care less about others' emotions and only about myself has ruined it for the me now.

I want so badly to see all these people I no longer talk to. A few I have reached out to, only one message has returned to me, and she lives in a completely different state. I can understand why people find me to be too much. Or that they're better off without, as I wouldn't be friends with my past self, either. But I just want so badly to make amends or to just at least see what is going on with them. To give a hug. I may no longer see these people again, and I may have ruined this, but one chance to clear the air and to see them smile again.

Now that I'm leaving and don't have time to distract myself, I will say this on the behalf of my past self and the fact I can't even remember what I eat for breakfast (because my memory is that bad).

I am so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that I made up that rumor or that I lied. I'm sorry that I said I didn't care. I'm sorry that I ignored you. I'm sorry that I implied hurtful emotions. I'm sorry that I gave you a cruel look. I'm sorry for cursing at you.

I mean all of this. I never meant to hurt anyone, I just don't think I was thinking before. Now that  I have time to think too much, this has been bubbling to the surface. Overall, I'm sorry I don't remember the one time the thing I said, because I really don't remember anything and grudges aren't my specialty for good reason: I never remember specific events.

I hate seeing pain or betrayal.

I will leave it at that. I want to see all of you before I leave. Have a cup of coffee. Talk about what you've been doing, what you plan. I want to hug you and keep you in my heart.

Hope to hear from you all soon.

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