2012 is CRAZAAAY.

Happy new year, my kind blog followers and all others! :D

This will be an intense year. I will be starting my senior year of college and it will be the year of many career decisions. Grad school, career apps and others will be well in my future. I have another recital coming up in about ten months with band music for two semesters, orchestra music, and individual solo music for this coming semester ALONG with the hour of recital music. I will hopefully have passed piano proficiency. This semester is where it all ends and everything will begin.

My roommate, Vicky, is getting married this summer. So are my friends (and together! :) ) Jessica and Peter. There are like ten couples but those are the two that come to mind. This is the year of many changes.

Presidential election is coming up. Our country's future is decided. EVERYTHING happens this year! Oh, and summer olympics are coming too, I love the olympics. In London, BABY! Favorite events: swimming, diving, water polo, track and field, and gymnastics. I know you're all freaking excited as much as me.

2012 is a crazy awesome year.

I also found myself sick of myself. I have much support around me, but I found I never supported myself. I have one goal: to finish a marathon, with guns a-blazing.

I have other goals, like finishing two triathlons and two 5ks. Those are my small goals. But I want to have the fighting mind. I know once I have that mind, I will win. I will succeed. But something is holding me back. I found this quote on a website for how to train for marathons and it really encouraged me!

"Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tire in the morning, noon, and night. But the bod y is never tired if the mind is not tired."
-George S. Patton, U.S. Army General, 1912 Olympian

Amen, right??

This applies to me especially. I need to learn how to fight, and I do fight. But not as hard as I can.

2012. Hell yeah, what a god year this will be. :)

I'm still alive . . . I think.

So, thankfully, I am still alive. :P

This semester has been a little more than interesting. I feel like everything happened in a four month span.

Let's start with September/October, shall we?
I took 20 credits of classes. Yes, I am insane. I really want to graduate in time. And sometimes you have to destroy your brain to build it up. At least, that's what I tell myself. Keep in mind, as a music major, that's about eleven or twelve classes. And no, it's not just fun and games with playing music. This crap is difficult. I love this crap, but it challenges me. And I had a recital I prepared for and finished. It was exhausting. My load was easier once recital was done. At the end of October, I started a relationship. Wooooo! It's my first one in over two years, so I'm a bit rusty, lemme say that now.

November.
I may have had a lighter load, but the band traveled to Seattle, WA to play at WIBC. We did spectacular. So much so that our conductor, Pat, said we were going to do David Maslanka's fourth symphony. I'm freaking excited for that, by the way. But right after WIBC, christmas concert was on my tail and I was just exhausted. Luckily, I had support all the way around from many people. I was tired, though. Very tired. I slept maybe 5 hours a night. Had a lot of work to do. Even did NaNoWriMo. It was insane.

December.
This was by far the most difficult month. I had the concert, had to learn both choir and band music. And finals week. So much to do. The only thing on my side happened to be that I didn't have to do a jury for Clarinet (because of the recital). That made me extremely happy. But my instructor was still relentless. When the week was over, I felt relieved. I was done with the semester.

That's a short recap. VERY short recap.

I'm glad I'm still alive.

But anyway, I have a few projects planned for next year. I'm going to finish Man of War, a book I've been writing about a half demon exorcist (Ironic? Why yes it is). I'm going to train for marathons and triathlons (for my health, and I need a goal), and I plan on taking up archery. These will be my hobbies for sure. I need them.
I will be applying to grad schools, because music is crazy competitive. I need to do it now. I'm really nervous. Beyond nervous. One slot is open in the PSU grad conducting program. I really want it.

But this is the current me. :)

Why must everyone bash others!?

Alright, I'm posting this because it's really been bothering me the last few days, and bare with me, cause this isn't directed at anyone. I just notice it because I'm part of this group and it really irritates me.

Why the hell are only Christians pointed out for their faults?!

I am a believer, and I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Does me saying this mean I shove a religion down someone's throat? Apparently. If someone were to say they were a Buddhist, they're okay. But to say that one loves Jesus, not okay.

I'm so annoyed at this notion.

Here are my reasons why I get so livid at this:

1) There are extremists in every religion. EVERY SINGLE ONE. There are muslims who think killing other off that don't believe in Allah is okay. There are Buddhists who think that all should become monks and live for only achieving nirvana. How about we not point out one group's faults? Doesn't this make you look judgmental, by judging? Saying, "how dare you!" and pointing out douche ways makes you look like a douche. It shouldn't be done.

2) Not everyone is perfect. No one is, in fact. So to point the finger, again, at someone and say "look! hypocrite." Well, so are you. Yes. We all are. Stop that now. Jesus didn't come into the world for healthy people, he came for the sick. It is guaranteed that that Christian that just screwed up knows they did and are praying for forgiveness. People don't need to just get pissed off at each other. I'm sure they have all messed up too.

3) Just because we talk about our beliefs doesn't mean we're trying to convert and brainwash. Maybe we just like to talk about it. It is our life. It fascinates us. Getting angry over talking about it and dwelling on God is not a bad thing. We're PASSIONATE about this. We love God. Whether you think he exists is not our business. We're here to worship God and we're proud. Stop getting upset by it and let us do so.

4) We have our beliefs. Just as anyone else on the planet. Now, if we believe in an afterlife, and hell, or whatever, we believe it. It really shouldn't affect you if we think sin hurts you, or sends to hell. It's kinda lame to get upset when you don't even believe in the hell. So, instead of insulting, let people believe what they believe. Some think that the clouds are a god. So? Some think layers of heaven exist. And?


This is my rant. I'm so sick of looking at the media and people point the finger at one group. It is so rude and frustrating, as I am a part of this group you bash. I am part of the one church, ruled by the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

If you don't like it, tough.
Read above if you need a recap.




(Disclaimer: not directed at any individual or one group)

I think I may have realized something.

So, I never really thought much of my emotion. Or rather, I thought too much when I was younger.

I locked it away (poorly) after a romantic relationship with a person failed my senior year of high school (pretty much the end of that). I'm not good at hiding emotion, by the way, so it wasn't very good. I fell into depression, angst and sadness.

My sophomore year, it got better, and I learned how to be myself and still feel. However, I kept the emotions away. I became a legitimate workaholic. I chose to not think of my problems. At the end of my sophomore year, I realized how destructive my actions were to my heart and mind, and I learned the true meaning of vulnerability.

During the summer, I had a short-term romantic relationship that crashed and burn, setting me back a few steps. It reminded me of what happened my senior year. But, I knew better this time. Not to close others off. I grew exponentially and learned that I could love and I could allow love, opening myself up, in essence being truly vulnerable. It was strange at first, to feel what I hadn't felt in a very long time. My heart grew a lot bigger than expected.

I realized today, that because I became vulnerable, God has done something amazing. I can feel what I haven't felt in years. If I get hurt, I'll be okay. Knowing I am vulnerable to a person, and allowing that has made me grateful. I can finally love again.

Finally.
I am waiting, arms open.

I am not ashamed.

My heart and the fine wild nature of it!

So, we all know that the heart is a bit insane. I can honestly say mine is.

I did pass my recital hearing. That in itself was a blessing. Now, I'm onto phase two, getting my dress tailored (it's in process), and sending out invites. And ordering a huge cake.

Besides that. ..

I was talking to a friend for hours, worried about my heart and it's fragile nature. It has grown

stronger. I am rekindling relationships that were lost, and I am blowing on the coals of a few others, attempting to keep a few up.

But, I do have one insecurity that occasionally pops up to surprise me. And it's always when I sit down to think.

(the beach has many symbols of loneliness for me.)

It is loneliness. I never think about it. I'm continually going, working to be better, stronger, to get my degree, to help others in the process. But working distracts me from my heart's desire.

I want a companion. Not necessarily a romantic companion, but a best friend. I don't have a best friend per se. I have many very close friends. But I want that friend that is always there. I see it everywhere.
I can live without romanticism, if I have that best friend (a few are considered my best friends, but I mean the best friend). But I am lonely. Why?

Today, I woke up with a strange feeling at the pit of my stomach. I had a dream that I had a companion, it was not romantic. In the dream, the person was asexual. They were not a definite male or female. I had no romantic attraction, but I had a fierce loyalty and love for the person that I had every desire to be with them. At some point, the person was taken away and I felt empty.

(this is where my dream took place. It looked a lot like this redwood forest)

I woke up like that, and I knew it was something else. My own human instincts took the beauty and twisted into my insecurities. What about me drove people away? I knew others that were much more negative than me. It couldn't be that. I knew I wasn't that negative, as I grew out of that. The only thing that seemed to pop out at me was my old lifestyle. I use to struggle thoroughly with lust and a lot of it. I've worked hard to escape such a lifestyle.

So, I get on facebook like every other college student, to see if anyone messaged me. Maybe someone needed something?

I immediately get this IM from someone who pretty much messed with me this summer. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was the first person in two years I had emotionally opened up to and he did kinda spat in my face. Figuratively.

He was asking for something as trivial as a rope. Of course I HAD RANDOM ROPE LYING AROUND.

I, of course, respond confused. "No, why in the world would I have rope?"

"Well, I know you're into that sort of thing."

My jaw dropped a thousand miles. How dare this person, who didn't even bother to get to know me, and emotionally screw with me, say such a thing?! I was already in doubt of myself, and this had to be about the worst timing I had ever seen. I was engulfed in pure irritation.

I was half tempted to bike my way to where he lived and slap him. I'm not even kidding.

I did rationally say, "Don't think of me like that, I don't do things like that." But I was shaking out of anger. How dare he??

It only furthered my feeling of insecurity. Then, later I find out that I am not part of this party of people that I was hoping to be, because I wasn't "known longer." I didn't know friendship was based off of how long you knew someone? I thought it was an emotional connection.

My heart was in a wild state by the end of the day. I escaped to practice my instrument, write a lesson plan for advanced conducting, and work on a take home quiz for elementary music methods.

The more I work, the better I feel, but the heart is still at work.

I have an inkling of who that person is. It was God, I'm willing to bet. But I always desire for a companion, no matter how many times I try to deny it.

Update on life, amused/terrified/ecstatic.

It's been a while. A long while.

I am four days from my hearing. My hearing to my recital. I'm in the mix of feeling excited, yet terrified. My instructor makes it seem like the world will end if I don't play perfectly. My accompanist is encouraging saying that it's for my own protection and that the faculty only wants me to succeed and that small mistakes are okay. As a perfectionist, I notice the bad criticisms before good, and I tend to think that I stink, due to my instructor making me feel like I do. I'm the type that does better with positive reinforcement.
But yet. . . in midst of being terrified. . . I am ecstatic. I get to play music. For people. God gave me this talent to even pick up an instrument, hear a pitch and play the notes. I get to glorify Him by playing my instrument. Best. Ministry. Ever. I get to show the music faculty what God has done and bathe in that adrenaline, losing myself in the sounds of beauty. I know I've done the right performance when I don't remember a thing. I only remember the first note, and last. And I feel like pure energy is shooting through my veins. I really think it's God, to be honest. As corny as that sounds.
But I am excited. And afraid.

On a different note, I no longer lash out at people. But my body physically pays for my suppression of emotion. These last few weeks alone, I've had 4 migraine-headaches, 5 apathetic days, and 1 anxiety attack. Most of this is caused by stress. I feel like this is better than having the department dislike me. :P

My love life is currently apathetic. Mainly because I have no time. I'm still praying for you, future spouse. But I know it'll be the right time when a male enters my life in a relationship standpoint.


I will update on the hearing and post pictures of stuff later.
What a crazy month.

Ooo, well, another typing session.

So, it hasn't been easy, but I've been getting through the last month. Normally, I'm relaxing, thinking, "Oh, schools gonna start soon. Yay!" But instead, I am challenged by things like buying a new car and getting an apartment. It's pretty difficult. I don't remember adult life being so hard. . . maybe because I was a kid before.

I started meeting with a group on Mondays to help me with things. And there are many groups the Lord has blessed me with. It's been amazing!

The not so amazing things is my up coming recital and the whole money situation. I guess it's nothing new though. I'm use to stuff like this.

Emotionally, it has been pretty up and down. I've met some pretty amazing people, strangely online (don't judge me, it's not like I went to a chat room). They have been a blessing (even though they don't know it yet. :-3). And I have great roommates. But my thing is, is that I still haven't really gotten passed my pain in relationships as a child/adolescent, and so it's hindering me from a lot of growth. The Monday group is really helping me out with that, and a few people's guidance. It made me realize that if I were to marry, I would need to hold my Lord's hand and place my burdens on Him, while dealing with pain. Right now, I'm not so spectacular at that (good thing I know this). Future spouse, I am praying for you. Mostly cause I know I'm going to end up even more opinionated and fired up. Good thing, too, cause some people need that.

Anyway, I'm working hard and praying. It's life, I suppose.